.marysuz.

crunchy mama stuff

2012-02-08T15:15:00.006-05:00

well we've almost made it to 6 months.... 6 months! i can hardly believe elliot will be 6 months old on the 19th. i'm so thankful that we've had 6 successful months of exclusive breastfeeding. it has been a long road, but feedings are second nature now. i hope we are able to continue breastfeeding until he is one or longer if he would like.

now, we are gearing up for solid foods! however, the solids will not replace milk just yet. we are just going to try to get him used to new textures and a new way to eat! a new adventure. a messy, messy adventure. we decided to skip the rice cereal recommended by the pediatrician and baby food companies. why? i did a little digging and found out that cereal and carbs are actually one of the worst foods you can start your baby out on. their tiny digestive systems do not develope the enzymes needed to break down carbs until 9-12 months. can you believe people used to give rice cereal to their 6 week old babies? now it's popular to start rice cereal at 4 months. rice cereal is often given to babies to help them feel fuller so they can sleep through the night. it carries no nutritional value since babies get everything they need from breast milk/formula. rice cereal pushing was started by baby food companies....interesting, no?! [most of my research came from the highly trusted www.kellymom.com and la leche league's website www.llli.org. both of these websites helped me when i came up against some serious breastfeeding issues]

am i tired?

yes.

would i like elliot to sleep through the night?

yes.

am i willing to sacrifice his health for a few more hours of sleep?

no sir!

my current mantra is: (that i repeat to myself as i make the short walk to elliot's nursery twice a night to feed him) this is only a season.

he will only need me in the middle of the night to nurse him and cuddle him for this short season. i can make it through the day on 5-6 hours of sleep.

and i know i will miss our late night feedings once they are gone.

so no rice cereal for elliot! we'll go straight to solids... still trying to figure out what to give him first.

*please note, i do not judge anyone who chooses/chose to give their babies rice cereal! every mama does what she thinks is best for her baby!*

in other crunchy mama news, we are getting better at the cloth diapering thing. so far we've been cloth diapering 1/2 the time. if we are home and are going to be with elliot all day, he will be wearing a cloth diaper. my mom watches elliot while i work in the office for 4 hours and she requested that he wear disposables (she watches him for free and i will not force her to handle my son's poo more than she already does!). i just ordered a few more inserts for our bumGenius diapers to push us forward in our cloth diapering adventure. here is our stash so far (stuffed and folded):

somehow i have more covers than inserts, hence the buying more inserts. once we have the new inserts elliot will be able to be in cloth more often and we will have to wash diapers less often!

here is elliot enjoying a Kawaii baby diaper (and his doggie blanket):

i really like this diaper, but i can't find it anywhere!! someone gave it to me. he usually wears his bumGenius (by cottonbabies). i usually buy diapers used from this handy website: http://www.diaperswappers.com/ new cloth diapers can be expensive, so buying from other mamas who took great care of their diapers is really helpful on the wallet!

that is my cruncy mama update for now! thanks for reading, loves!

i've been stopping me

2012-01-25T14:17:00.006-05:00

what has been stopping me from becoming the person i want to be,

the person i was created to be?

me.

i've been stopping me.

i can't blame anyone, i will not blame elliot.

he is my little joy. he is my little love.

not anymore.

today i'm moving, i'm going to stop standing in my own way. today isn't a special day and i don't have a reason for moving today. i'm tired of needing to be inspired and in the mean time not inspiring anyone at all.

lists always help me process and be productive, so here is a list of things i'm moving towards:

-simplify [starting with the design of our living space at home-- something needs to change in our living room i think it's because we have too much stuff; followed by my wardrobe-- i hang on to things that i haven't worn in years]

-outdoors [i love the cold, i love cold walks. patio/porch sits are a must in the winter, too. i have not been good about getting outdoors this winter due to elliot's need to be warm. but, i have a capable husband who can care for him while i bask in the glory of the winter sun]

-yoga [starting this saturday morning... i'm getting back on my mat]

-using my hands/creating [this week i've made dinner every night--- this is a feat for me! the thing that surprised me... i actually enjoyed the whole process, from finding new recipes to liking my lips after devouring the dish. i need to keep this up! knitting needs to happen more, but it is also a social thing for me-- i need to knit more with friends/while in church or sipping coffee with matt or a friend. i want to learn how to read patterns.]

-less TV [it's hard to motivate myself to do anything but watch TV after elliot is in bed. he still isn't sleeping through the night, which means i am not either. so by 7:30 i'm ready to veg out. but who says vegging out means watching TV? i have 2 books that i need to finish (BossyPants by Tina Fey and Mocking Jay- the 3rd book in the Hunger Games series)! i vow to listen to music, sip sleepy time tea and read at least 2 nights a week! matt and i are smack dab in the middle of watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, so i must devote the other nights to the goodness of snuggling on the couch and covering my eyes with a warm blanket while watching a drug deal go down.]

-the blog [this space, it has been undefined for so long. a space of ramblings and scribbles. i'm actually a fairly good writer. i've failed to show that here at .marysuz. no more! time to remember that each word can serve a purpose in telling a story. this blog- it's my story. i've been writing here since 2007, but lately i've lost my confidence. i forgot that my voice and my point of view are worth being heard! my story is worth being told. where has this confidence come from ?? riiiiight here]

if you have an iPhone, follow my journey on Instagram my username is marysuzn(photos!), if you don't have an iPhone, follow me on twitter -- i always link my IG photos to my twitter account.

thanks for your interest... if you're out there reading.... are you out there??

if not, its okay i need to do this with or without an audience... an audience just helps hold me accountable to these words

took this pic while in asheville for my birthday this year. this is the view from our friend's front porch.

5 Month Round Up

2012-01-23T15:03:00.006-05:00

elliot turned 5 months old on January 19th.

i just can't believe it. he is becoming a little person, his personality is developing, he is starting to assert his own will, he is growing and making me sad because i feel like it is flying by. but, that's how it works i guess so i'm working hard to soak it up! here is his 5 month round up!

teething & drooling

everything, i mean everything goes into his mouth these days. above you see him trying to chew his hilarious barbell rattle. our friends gave this to us and the packaging was hilarious-- 'say goodbye to babyfat forever.' i do feel for the little guy because he gets sooooo frustrated after chewing on everything in sight-- it's not satisfying enough so he just cries until i nurse him or give him a pacifier. he drools massive amounts each day due to his little tooth buds trying to poke through. he is also waking up more at night and i blame teething for this. it could be a number of things, but needless to say we are all a little sleep deprived.

picture is fuzzy because my mom didn't have her reading glasses on while snapping the photo with her blackberry

grasping & bottle holding
elliot now grabs anything and everything. he wants to touch and feel everything he sees. he loves digging his deadly baby nails into my face and pulling my hair... such a sweetie. he held his own bottle for his whole feeding while at my mom's last week. it made me a little sad. but thankfully i don't ever give him a bottle so i don't have to witness said maturity. he can hold all of his toys and recently held onto a small ball pretty well. his hands are now listening to his brain.

finding his voice

my little dude has discovered the joy of screaming and chatting. he almost always wakes up chit-chatting with his doggie blanket. it is quite hilarious. he talks to us the most when he is laying on his back-- getting his diaper/clothes changes, playing on the play mat or laying in his crib or our bed.

elliot likes...

getting a pillow or blanket dropped on his face

his daddy & all of the sound effects that come along with him

his doggie blanket (a little blanket with a dog head on it)

nursing and nursing some more

books

music (specifically the lullaby i made up when he was just days old, 'the ants go marching' song and the 'who's that guy' song from Grease 2)

being outside/in public places

petting Marla

peek-a-boo/being surprised

swinging

flirting with ladies

elliot dislikes...

being woken up

dogs barking

being on his belly for more than 5-8 mins

the bumbo chair

being passed around at family events

wind

being awake in his car seat for too long

when momma leaves the room

getting out of the bathtub

getting lotion put on

i do love my little man and i love seeing him grow and become a little person

he is a joy

a new year's post

2012-01-04T15:23:00.008-05:00

two thousand and eleven...

it went by so quickly and so slowly

some days felt never ending and others blew by like a summer breeze

i spent half the year growing a baby

and the other half of the year, growing as a parent

now for some highlights!

26th birthday trip to a snowy Asheville

my niece, Rowan was born in march!

we got to go to NYC again to see one of Matt's films

i was able to visit with a lot of my college girlfriends this year, which is always a lovely time of healing and rest for me.

i read over my new year's post from last year to see how i did on my resolutions....

i did okay. i still need to work on a lot of the resolutions. but overall--- i learned A LOT about selflessness. being a mother has taught me that i am not my own. i am not a lone ranger. my body is not my own, my life is not my own. each decision i make has a ripple effect and i hope to allow the Spirit to guide me as i make waves in this life. so selflessness... yeah i still long to learn the meaning of it and grow more selfless everyday. but, i think i am closer than i was last year, and i have a long way to go.

some thoughts for 2012...

love & serve my husband and my son with joy

continue to journal at least twice a month, sit with the Lord and soak up his Spirit

play music

enjoy each moment, pay attention to the little joys unfolding right before my eyes

build community-put myself out there -- meet more women my age/in my life stage!

we hope to buy a house this year!!

give,give,give (financially and give my time to others)

learn how to knit a hat and more complex items

bake more

let go- stop being a control freak

simplify-organize-give things away

proof of progress & a musical history

2011-12-20T12:52:00.008-05:00

journal + coffee

Okay, the above photo is proof that i am making progress--- i am making time to be creative (see this post). i set a goal, an attainable goal, a realistic goal. i will try to journal at least twice a month, if i'm able to do more then great! if not, twice a month will suffice for now.

i have been trying to figure out how to regain my passion for playing music. it is something i am fairly good at and something i used to do whenever given the oppurtunity. i tried to remember all of the people i've played music with since i started playing guitar when i was 16. it was kind of a funny journey to take, i can literally see my musical taste maturing. i started out just playing in my room by myself, or playing family events by myself (sometimes being backed up by other musicians in my family). i mostly played nirvana covers (because i was just that cool) and attempted writing songs about how sad my life was (emo was pretty cool at the time).

the first person i started a band with was my friend katie (who conicendentially stopped being my friend when i became a christian... another story for another time). i played guitar and sang back up vocals, she sang/screamed and wrote lyrics. she was also in a heavy metal band and screamed for them as well.

singing with my sister at her rehersal dinner

after that (around 18 years of age) i started singing worship for the 20 somethings group at the church matt and i attended at the time. matt played guitar in that worship band. the other band members were really great musicians and took me under their wing.

during college i started/joined a band called Teneo. i would compare our style to Waterdeep and the Enter the Worship Circle albums. that's what we were going for at least. we played a few shows but mostly just wrote songs and practiced. we disbanded because some of the members didn't really get along... such an annoying problem to have (espeically in a sort-of worship style band). during college i sang a lot at church, too. after Teneo i was appointed worship leader for UNCG's InterVarsity chapter, which was incredibly challenging but it really stretched me. i had to step up my guitar playing. i had the oppurtinuty to be a part of the band for several IV conferences as well, which was great! there were a few other attempts at starting bands in college, but they would fizzel out before taking off.

my favorite musical project that i was a part of was eRadiance. my roommate/best friend and i started playing together shortly after we became friends my somphmore year. when we moved in together we started writing songs... they were all really fun and silly. we played in public a couple of times, but we mostly played for our own amusment.

here are some of our song titles:
C-O-D-Y (song about our neighbor's dog)

Field Day (played my childhood keyboad for this song)

Gloom (a sad, sad song)

Pabst Blue (an ode to hipster beer)

*this just in... eRadiance still has a myspace, because i lost the password and was never able to delete it! haha check it out here: http://www.myspace.com/eradiance*

after college, while on staff with InterVarsity I would lead worship on and off at different events and chapters. since leaving staff i've sung at church a few times, but decided i needed to get away from leading worship--- i needed a break from ministry in general. last year i played a little with some of my cousins, we just practiced cover songs in my cousin's basment/man room. it was fun! but, a couple of members weren't the best musicians. so i got pregnant and used that as my excuse for not playing! :)

while playing with my cousins i did notice one cousin in particular who was very sincere, hard working, fearless and wrote killer songs. and as i was looking over my musical history i realized, in each band and solo act my weakness has been song writing. it does not come naturally to me at all. i can take someone else's song and make it beautiful, but i've never been able to write a good song (in eRadiance we co-wrote our songs and like i said, they were all silly songs which is easier for me!). so, i got in touch with keegan (my cousin) and we decided that we are going to start playing some music together. just me and him-- and see how it goes. i'm not promising anything here, just hoping to get creative with a like-minded musician and maybe drink a couple of beers.

our journey so far | breastfeeding

2011-12-07T15:16:00.004-05:00

elliot and i have had a long 3 months of learning. one of our most challenging lessons has been breastfeeding. from day one it has been hard and from day one i've been telling myself to be patient--- this is just a season, we will learn, we will get this. these are the phrases i repeat to myself when its hard and painful. sometimes i even whisper to elliot, 'we will get this, bud. we're just learning.' God has graciously given me patience throughout it all.

and i'm going to get real with you now

if it wasn't so painful to quit, i would have given up by now

our first attempt at nursing was unsuccessful, which is totally normal. elliot was only a few hours old, but he couldn't quite latch on, he struggled to open his mouth wide enough. the lactation consultants (LCs) encouraged me and told me that he would get it, not to worry. day one passed and he only nursed successfully once (again this is normal, but i was hoping for more success in the hospital). we had one really great, gentle LC and one forceful, discouraging LC during our stay. the former gave us a nipple shield, which elliot took right away and i could actually see him getting my milk. she told us that we could use this for a while and eventually wean him off of the shield. the mean LC (this is how we referred to her) said we shouldn't have even introduced him to the shield, we should have keep trying to get him to open his mouth wider. 'now he might never latch,' she said. then she proceeded to hook me up to a pump and push and pull at my body--- without even asking. eventually, i told her we were fine and she needed to leave. we used the shield for the remainder of our stay in the hospital. elliot lost a lot of weight in the hospital, which worried the nurses and doctor, but they never once mentioned using formula.

we continued to use the shield, until i read on kellymom.com (an incredibly helpful breastfeeding website) that this could cause your milk supply to decrease and eventually dry up. at this point elliot was taking an hour to an hour and a half to nurse... good grief! i felt like i was feeding him constantly (since he was eating every 2-3 hours). so to give myself a little break, i started pumping through one feeding so matt could feed him a bottle and i could sleep a little. it was nice to get a little sleep, but then elliot would no longer take the shield. i got so excited--- he finally took my nipple! it was such a wonderful moment! he was finally nursing!

what i didn't know is that he was not latched on correctly and after a few days... it hurt like hell to nurse him. i started researching formulas at this point and discovered that:

1- formula is super expensive

2- they are all claiming to be 'like mother's milk' and i thought to myself... i have free milk right here in my boobz

and 3- if i quit i would have to go through a lot of pain from not emptying my breasts anyway, i might as well try to fix this problem and try to nurse elliot until i dry up!

so we pressed on. i made an appointment with an LC, praying that she would be gentle and helpful and NOT like the mean LC we had in the hospital. God heard that prayer and gave us the best LC ever. she was an older woman who only works as an LC one day a week, she had obviously been doing this for many, many years. she was so laid back and helped elliot to latch correctly. we just needed some hands-on help. it was smooth sailing for a week or so... until the dreaded oversupply reared it's ugly head.

because i was still pumping through one night time feeding, my body started making more milk than needed. elliot got SO frustrated every time i tried to nurse him. he would arch his back, cry, choke a little on the milk and eventually spit up almost everything he just ate. thanks to kellymom.com i found out that he was getting so mad because my milk was coming out too fast--- i was drowning him. he couldn't handle it straight from the breast, so i started pumping again. i thought this would lower my supply and i could eventually start nursing again. WRONG! my body just kept making milk... so much milk. i filled our freezer and had 2 grocery bags full of milk at my mom's house. after a whole month of pumping, i realized that this was not the way to lower my supply. so i called the sweet LC and she gave me some great tips on how to lower my supply--- which included wearing cabbage leaves in my bra all day every day! so weird, but it worked!! we took all of her advice and my body is just now finally getting the message. my boobz are no longer rock hard 24-7! yay! elliot and i are finally enjoying our nursing sessions.

a few weeks ago i was telling people that nursing just wasn't for me. i was saying how i wished it was a great time of bonding for us as mother and son, but that this just wasn't in the cards for us. now... i love nursing my son! finally, i can say that with joy! we've finally learned how to do it right and we are enjoying this new aspect of our relationship. it has become such a sweet time for us and since we had so many trials, i think i cherish it even more than i could have if it came really easily to us. i don't have a plan on when to stop nursing and i am so blessed to say that i only miss one feeding while i work-- which means i only have to pump once a day now.

who knows what lies ahead of us in our breastfeeing journey, but thankfully i think the worst is behind us now.

a picture of elliot after he had fallen asleep at my breast... satisfied & sleepy

coming alive again

2011-11-10T15:29:00.005-05:00

something inside of me is waking up, coming alive again. something i've pushed aside, ignored and neglected out of frustration, disbelief and tiredness. i started waking up when a new friend (hi Allison!) asked "so what are you into? what do you like to do?" we were simply trying to get to know each other! we had spent much of our lunch date talking about her involvement in and experience with film (which i love talking & learning about since that is matt's passion). so when it was my turn to talk about my interests and hobbies, i wasn't sure what to say. my answer sounded something like this

well...hmmm...

i used to play music & sing (guitar & mandolin)

i was trying to get into photography, using only film. i started a photo blog, but i haven't posted anything since june

i almost went back to school for interior design, but had to start working full-time

i majored in english and loved writing in my journal, almost daily... wow i haven't done that in a while

we continued talking about all of the things i no longer had time for, the things i used to love doing. these things i've neglected because i'm too tired from working full-time? being pregnant? being a new mom? i think those are excuses i've been using. these things i use to talk myself out of being creative: making music, images, spaces and stories. where has my passion gone? where has my inspiration gone? this one conversation with a new friend woke me up. since then, i've started to come alive again. giving myself grace as i approach my old friends; guitar, camera, pen and pencil.

my biggest struggle when being creative is the opinion of others. i worry that i am not creative and will be discovered as a phony by those who are really creative! i worry that the music i make is too cliche, or that everyone plays guitar & its no big deal that i do too. i worry that my photos have been done before and won't impress anyone at all.

so as i've been coming alive again, i've heard these fears loud and clear. these worries that get in the way of creating something beautiful. now as i dip my toe back into these familiar waters i want to do so with boldness, believing that what i create, when done for the glory of the lord is beautiful and unique. he is impressed because he has made an impression on me and the things i create.

my prayer right now is that something will open up (financially) and allow me to work part-time instead of full-time so that i can better use the gifts god has blessed me with (my job is less than inspirational...). and of course i would love to be able to do this while being elliot's momma, taking him along as i journey back to myself.

photo taken by me this time last year

i don't want to forget

2011-11-02T14:35:00.007-04:00

my grandmother (who is a lovely 94 year old georgia peach), mother of 9 gave, me one piece of advice after having elliot: write things down. now that her children are grown (her oldest is 60!) she wishes she had written down all of the little things each child did from infancy through childhood. so this is my attempt to write down some things i don't want to forget about elliot's infancy! this is a special time in his life and we will only live it once.

since birth, elliot has been noisy. even his first days in the hospital he was grunting and cooing and making his presence on earth known. i joked with matt, saying his life verse should be psalm 98:4, which says, "make a joyful noise to the lord, all the earth; break into joyous song and sing praises."

during his first few weeks of life he made the funniest faces in his sleep, we saw a wide range of emotions flash across his face in just a matter of seconds. it always makes me wonder what babies dream about!

when he was still nursing (more on our breastfeeding journey later), elliot would coo and sigh and make the sweetest little noises. my maternal heart would just melt every time.

any time i hold him on my hip (upright position) he nuzzles his face in my chest over and over until he is comfortable. he grunts and groans and rubs his face all over until... he finds the perfect spot to rest.

these days (almost 3 months) as soon as he realizes its time to get up in the morning he looks up at me or matt (whoever is dressing him for the day) and immediately smiles. he starts laughing and talking right away. i love how happy he is! his baby grunts have started to turn into loud coos and sometimes baby talk! its so fun to watch him grow and change right before our eyes.

this boy LOVES the bath. he gets so relaxed and kicks his little feet and splashes around a little bit. he sticks his tongue out as if he is trying to drink the water that is being pour onto him as we wash him. after his bath we put lotion on him, he seems a bit confused by this but enjoys the feeling. anytime we lay him on the changing table he starts talking to us.

the most exciting development to date: he is attempting to roll over! who knew that this would be so exciting! haha he can roll his bottom half on his side... he is still working on the top half. i found this out when he was playing real hard on his play mat one morning.

the day elliot was born

2011-10-28T09:47:00.007-04:00

i have been reluctant to write out my birth story. mainly because i sometimes feel like i didn't give birth because i didn't labor. i feel like i haven't earned the right to write out a birth story. so i'm going to write it, not to show i'm a strong woman who can push a baby, and therefore earning my place in womanhood; but to have an account of the day my first son was born. it was a long, beautiful day and it was the day i got to meet the little blueberry that grew inside of me.

9 weeks old

after a sleepless night, elliot's birth day started at 6am on August 19th (we didn't sleep much the night before, too much anticipation and curiosity. who WAS this little guy inside of me? am i ready to meet him? ready or not, my C-Section was scheduled so i was going to meet him August 19th no matter what [you can read why i had a C-Section here]). my section was scheduled for 9am and we had to arrive 3 hours prior for prep, which was basically just a lot of waiting around. we were in a 'recovery room' which was just a big room with beds separated by curtains. other C-Section mamas would be prepping and recovering in this room with us.

we arrived at 6am sharp and i got in my hospital gown, comfy hospital socks (seriously, you need to get some of these socks) and we waited. a grumpy nurse arrived and tried to thread an IV. ouch lady! she couldn't find a vein that would hold the needle and was getting impatient. i think she forgot she was dealing with a live human being. finally, i started crying from the pain and told her to please stop trying and get someone else in here. she left, obviously annoyed, while matt looked like he was ready to pounce on her! another nurse came in, chipper as she could be. but, by this time i was already upset that our day had such a bad start with the mean nurse, i gave this new, happy nurse an attitude. she didn't seem to mind.

she had a very nice, anesthesiologist's assistant come in an numb my hand so she could get my IV in. it worked! and i didn't feel a thing! Things were looking up and I decided to drop the 'tude and let the day take its course. turns out the new, happy nurse & anesthesiologist assistant were both with us for the rest of the morning! they were both so encouraging and calming. later, the nurse told me that the first nurse i had was at the end of her shift and should have just gone home instead of poking at me. another hour of waiting and our anesthesiologist and OB/GYN came in to greet us. the anesthesiologist was so nice and encouraging! i told him i was really nervous about getting the spinal, and he took my hand and stroked it while saying 'i understand you're nervous, but i will do everything i can to get it in quickly and painlessly.' he was an older man, very tender, very sweet.

as 9:00 approached, my adrenaline pumped (which for me means many trips to the bathroom). i couldn't fight off the nerves! matt prayed for us and they wheeled me into the OR. It was FREEZING in the OR, I couldn't believe the drastic temperature change. They sat me up and began putting the spinal in. the anesthesiologist said "your bum is going to feel very warm, its just the effect i have on women" and everyone in the OR chuckled a little. everyone was so relaxed, chatting about this and that. it actually calmed me down to see the doctors and nurses routinely doing their work. each step of the way they asked how i was feeling, checking on me, making sure i was comfortable. after the spinal was in, they laid me down and i was numb from the waist down. matt came into the OR in head-to-toe scrubs... we had a good laugh at his outfit!

they put up a curtain (so i couldn't see the surgery) and asked 'can you feel that?' i couldn't.

but, i could still feel pressure, like pushing and pulling, but nothing painful. i started to feel nauseous at one point and told the anesthesiologist's assistant, who was by my side the entire time. she put something in my IV and it went away. i turned to matt, on my other side and said 'please be mindful of your facial expressions, you can see the surgery and i can't. if it looks scary, just smile.' he laughed a little and agreed. at one point during the sections, i could hear some scissors snipping, i looked at matt and said 'talk to me, i don't want to hear those scissors.' so he talked about, who knows what! a few minuets later the doctor said, you're going to feel a lot of pressure, we're about to pull him out! and i did feel the pressure, i heard his cry, then they held Elliot over the curtain for me to see him and i heard the doctor say, "it's 9:13am."

he was gooey and reddish-purple

i was so happy to see him and all of his HAIR!

i turned to matt and said 'go with him.' so he went over to supervise the weighing and cleaning.

i cried as i heard him crying.

i remember thinking that i barely got to see him and i wanted to see him again, right away. i kept asking, whoever would listen if he was okay, but i never heard an answer. i was ready to hold that boy and kiss him. the nurse brought him over and held him close to my face. he looked at me! i kissed his head and talked to him a little. then she told me that his cry indicated that he had fluid in his lungs and they would need to take him to the nursery to check him. she said something (i can't remember what exactly) that made me think he would only be gone for a little while. matt went with elliot to get checked. they took him to the nursery and cleaned his lungs out, then gave him a bath and monitored him.

IT TOOK 2 HOURS

i didn't get to see him for 2 whole hours. matt went back and forth between the nursery and me. he took pictures of elliot and consoled me. the nursery was behind glass, so matt couldn't hold him either. my parents and matt's parents were able to watch him in the nursery, too. all the while i was stuck in the recovery room, hearing the other moms give their baby's baths and feed them. all i could do was cry and ask my nurse when elliot was coming back. i was pretty annoyed that no one from the hospital had come to tell me what was going on with elliot. they assumed matt was telling me, but he could only tell me what he saw. no one really communicated with us while he was in the nursery. it sucked.

finally, around noon, matt brought him to me. matt had the most tender look on his face as he laid him in my arms. i could tell that matt's world had changed. the three of us were finally left alone as a family. matt and i just stared at him and marveled at all his hair. we took pictures with our phones. we waited for another hour before we had our own room (apparently tons of babies were born that day and the rooms were full), but we didn't mind being alone in our little curtained area (no one was allowed to visit in recovery and we couldn't be released until i could move my legs again). we stayed at the hospital for 3 days, had lots of visitors, very little sleep and tons of snuggles.

so that's our story. we had our ups and downs throughout the day, but in the end we had a baby. a healthy baby boy. and we are so thankful that he is here, no matter how he got here.

we made a little shutterfly website so that our friends and family can see pictures of elliot, feel free to check it out: www.ernunn.shutterfly.com

thanks for reading!

blueberry is now a human... with a name

2011-09-28T20:40:00.005-04:00

This is my first time sitting down at an actual computer (I've done all of my technological things on my phone) since my sweet boy was born. SO, I am finally updating this blog!

Elliot Robert was born on August 19th at 9:13am, weighing in at 7lbs.6oz and 20 1/2 inches long (my mom recently informed me that I was the EXACT same size when I was born!). Elliot's birth day was a day full of nerves, tears, happiness, sleepiness and it was a complete blur! I hope to blog a birth story soon (before I forget it). He is doing really well these days, he is almost 6 weeks old (time flies), is breastfeeding like a champ (after some trials) and we just started working on sleep training him. I miss sleeping more than 3-4 consecutive hours! He is a funny little baby. He grunts almost constantly, he makes so many faces in his sleep, he just started to smile a little for us and he just started to recognize us! Matt and I call him the grumpy old man, because he grunts and groans so much (don't worry we've checked with the Doctor to see if the grunting is a sign of discomfort or unhappiness, but the Dr. said its just his personality and some babies are just noisy).

This week I took him to get some pictures taken by my sister's close friend (JK Photography). They turned out beautifully! Here is Elliot!

pregnancy journal 2.0

2011-07-20T14:51:00.004-04:00

33 weeks!

i thought it would be fun to do another pregnancy journal entry before life gets more complicated and busy! it will be fun for me to look back on these entries after this pregnancy is over. so bear with me! :)

how far along: 34 weeks 5 days

weight gain: 35 lbs (yikes!)

movements: this little boy is ACTIVE! he is constantly moving, maybe he has been all along and i can just feel it more now. at the end of the day matt and i have fun watching my belly morph into different shapes. matt makes THE funniest faces when my belly shifts from one side to another. it is such a weird feeling! i've also felt little feet or arms putting lots of pressure on my ribs and bladder, which is not so comfy.

cravings: these days i have a sweet tooth. all i want is cake, cookies, coffee, popsicles, ice cream, etc. a lot of these foods give me bad heartburn so i don't always indulge.

clothing: i only have a few shirts that still fit over my belly and don't ride up the moment i start moving around. my sister-in-law gave me 4 dresses that i've been cycling through. if it was acceptable, i could wear my PJ pants all day every day because they are incredibly comfortable. it is so hot that i no longer attempt wearing jeans or pants of any kind. its skirts and dresser from here on out!

sleep: i am still sleeping though the night, praise the good lord! i get up to pee, but other than that i'm still getting 8+ hours a night. this is pretty uncommon for most pregnant women so i'm counting my blessings!

symptoms: the worst things i've got going for me right now is acid reflux. i pop TUMS like its my job. sometimes at night i get leg cramps, but they've died down since i've started asking my chiropractor to adjust my legs (as well as my hips, back and neck). i've been a little more emotional lately, just tearing up at little things here and there. i really think i've got it made. i hear what some other preggos go through and i feel so bad that i'm feeling as good as i do!

what i miss most: normal sex, coffee and wine. sex is just weird these days guys. [feel free to skip over this if you are grossed out] everything on my body is bigger and feels different and the baby belly gets in the way! sometimes matt and i just laugh our way through sex because it is so different! i miss being intimate with my husband.

while i'm excited to meet our son and see what he looks like, i'm also a little sad that it won't be just me and him anymore. i'm not ready to share him with everyone just yet. my pregnancy is coming to an end, and by this time next month we will have a real live baby. this is both terrifying and exhilarating!

my life is about to change....

somebody's mother

2011-07-14T13:41:00.008-04:00

[smiling for the camera at 31 weeks]

today i finally started feeling ready to meet our son.

for the past couple of months i've felt more anxious, unprepared, uneducated and just flat out scared to have a baby. people see my big belly and ask "are you SO ready?!" and i always say, "not really!!" (which really takes people off guard) but, today as i loaded my first load of baby laundry into the washing machine and tidied things up in the nursery, i thought "i wonder what he looks like." which lead to wondering what his personality will be like, what kind of toddler/boy/man will he grow into? which lead to thinking about my role in his life's journey. i get to be part of this little life in such a big way. that was an overwhelming thought a week ago (okay, yesterday), but today it began to excite me.

it is a big task to be some body's mother, but i've seen it done with such grace and love not just in my own life. i think i have some great women in my life to turn to for help and guidance when i need to, especially my mom. my mom is seriously great, of course she has her flaws, but if i can be just half the mother she has been to me and my siblings, then i will be happy (and hopefully my kid(s) will be too). and don't even get me started on matt's abilities to be a good father.

this past weekend matt and i had big plans to get lots done around the house & in the nursery. then, friday night (after my 3 hour long glucose test at the OB/GYN) I began feeling a little sick to my stomach. i went to be and woke up cramping all over, but brushed it off and went to the pool for a little swim & sun. when i got home my stomach still cramping so i took a nap (again... i was supposed to be finishing up things around the house, so though a nap was needed I was stressed about the unfinished tasks on my to-do list). matt brought me some soup and turned on the Gilmore Girls and i stayed on the couch the for rest of the day. i threw up my soup, ginger ale and crackers around 7pm while matt was out to dinner with a friend. i called the on-call nurse for my doctor's office around 9pm when I couldn't keep any liquids down and was told to head to the triage. GRRR... the triage. we had been here once before for what I thought was contractions, but what turned out to be a pulled ligament. there is a lot of waiting and not very many answers in the triage.

on the drive to the hospital, things got worse and i threw up water into the trash can that Matt thoughtfully placed in my lap as we hopped in the car. once we were put into a room, i couldn't stop throwing up and the look on matt's face worried me. was our baby okay?? as soon they put the monitor on my belly we heard his fast/steady heartbeat and we were both relieved. the lil' blueberry wasn't bothered by my stomach ache at all. they did admit me to the hospital until I finished 3 bags of fluids because i was seriously dehydrated, which would have effected the baby & fluid in my uterus. i told matt he could head home and sleep there, if he would like to; sleeping at the hospital is not easy, but he said it wouldn't be easy to sleep at home knowing i was there anyway. [by the way, they never really knew what was wrong with me, i think i had food poisoning though]

so the man who held the trash can and my hair back as i vomited all night slept on a hard bench next to my bed while i recovered. i had to snap a picture with my phone when i woke up early the next day. he was such a servant all day. i didn't have to ask him for anything, he just served me while i was sweaty and sick and gross. he is a dedicated husband with a lot of heart and he is going to be such a wonderful father... i can't wait to witness it!

preparations & relaxation

2011-06-27T11:10:00.003-04:00

sometimes my mind is racing a million miles a minuet, listing all of the things i need to do before lil' blueberry gets here. but, sometimes i put those thoughts to rest and soak up the moment that is right in front of me. after a very busy week last week, matt and i had a very restful date on friday night. for father's day i gave matt tickets to see the tree of life , so we went to dinner and saw the movie (if you're wondering how the movie was... it was weird, guys. weird. you must have patience and understanding/appreciation for very artsy, philosophical movies to enjoy this one). as we stepped out of the theater we immediately notice how breezy and cool it was. we went home, i lit all of the candles i could find and we let the cool breeze blow in through the windows and sliding glass door. we snuggled on the couch and just talked for a few hours; telling stories, feeling blueberry kick and confessing fears/excitement about the ever approaching changes we are about to experience. i told matt that between now and baby time i want to soak him up. each little moment we get to share before this baby gets here is so precious to me.

i know that i will still have him once we are parents, but it will be different. it will be great, in its own way, but it will be different. as we were going to bed last night i told matt that i want to remember to tell him how great he is & how amazing he is as a daddy to lil' blueberry, but i might forget to tell him between breastfeedings & diaper changes & loss of sleep. so i told him right then and there; his selflessness, servant hood, humility, protectiveness & love don't go unnoticed. and they won't go unnoticed.

so as we are preparing the nursery, our home & our lives for this new little person we are also trying to relax and rest in one another. the next thing on our preparation/relaxation list: camping. on friday we are taking one last pre-baby camping trip. i'm a little nervous (mostly about going to the bathroom outside during the night), but mostly excited to spend a few days unplugged from everything except the mountains, river and my husband.

this is where we camp:

the blank wall

2011-06-17T11:34:00.006-04:00

before little blueberry makes his appearance, matt and i have a few projects we need to do around the house (i'm not even talking about his nursery, people... you don't want to know what that room looks like right now). one of these projects is the blank wall. we have a large wall in our living room that has a nice little picture collage on one end (which will have a little shelf underneath soon) and a mirror on the other. i've been trying to figure out what to put in between the two since we moved in. i've had several ideas, but have yet to make a decision. help?! the space could use something long and skinny and pretty of course. i don't want to put up another shelf in this room since we have 2 built-in book shelves in there already.

some ideas i considered are as follows (help me decide!):

find some old shutters (or just one shutter) paint/fix them up & use as decoration

{via}

frame a map of Manhattan (one of our new favorite places) like this--

{via}

frame some plants, like this---

{via}

or just hang a fabric wall hanging (if i can find one)

today i am headed to the sleepy poet antique mall to try to find something fun! maybe a whole new world of ideas will open up to me, who knows!

paris anyone?

2011-06-08T08:57:00.005-04:00

one of my favorite places in paris was montmarte, which hosts this beautiful church

one of the blogs i frequent is giving away a free trip to PARIS FRANCE!

HEY--YOOOO

I went to Paris for 2 days in 2008, it was a whirlwind, but amazing. I would love to stay for a whole week and really soak up the city (not to mention finish visiting the Louvre--- I didn't even get half way through the day I went). You can enter the contest, too!

right here: http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris/

contest ends on 6/20/2011 so hurry up!

friendship and asheville

2011-06-02T13:42:00.007-04:00

i've once again neglected this humble blog... but for good reason! i was traveling around with my very dear friend, emily. she recently wrote about our hike on the blue ridge parkway: here

she writes very beautifully and recounts our day with more eloquence than i even possess! so go read it.

we had such a sweet time, it felt like nothing and everything has changed since her last visit. but, we picked up right where we left off (i believe it had been a year and half since we last saw each other) even though we have both changed. i love that. we've changed and our situations have changed (i'm pregnant, she basically has 4 kids---again see her blog for details) and we are still us. i am amazed at how much emily has learned, experienced and opened her heart to in the past year and a half. i was talking about it with matt last night and he put all of my jumbled thoughts into concise words; "she is fighting the good fight." and she is! i can't tell you how many times i thought (or said) "thank God for you and what you're doing!" and what she is doing is sacrificing some of her personal desires so that she can care for these kids.

friendship is such a strange thing. a thing that i take for granted when it is tangible. a thing i long to experience it its purest form. i long to be able to be me-- with all of my guards down, open, honest and just me. but, so often i don't let that happen. something in me says, "no yet. be cool." i see that emily has that freedom, that humble confidence to just be who she is-- goofy, lovable, unique and sometimes loud emily. matt has this freedom and humble confidence, too-- he always has; it was one of the things that attracted me to him the first time i met him (9 years ago?!).

this post was meant to be a recap of our trip, but has turned into pensive ramblings.

so here are a few pictures from our trip:

eating at Salsa's--- sweet plantains and guacamole-- so yummy!

the lower falls at the graveyard fields hike

emily taking it all in at the high falls

thanks for reading!

pregnancy journal

2011-05-12T14:38:00.000-04:00

i thought it might be fun to record some of the new pregnancy experiences i've been having now that i'm further along in this journey.

how far along: 25 weeks tomorrow!

weight gain: (as of 5/2) 23lbs. (i don't weigh myself at home, only at the doctor's office)

movements: i can feel lil' blueberry a lot these days, but it comes in spurts. my pregnancy books tell me that he sleeps more than half of the day, so when he isn't moving i assume he is sleeping soundly. he moves the most when i am still or trying to sleep, i think that's because when i move around i'm rocking him back to sleep!

cravings: have moved into the sweets department... not good guys. for a while i was craving potatoes and fruit! no too bad, right? now i just want brownies, cookies, milk shakes, cheesecake, etc. i don't keep many sweets in the house, just a tub of ice cream OR a pack of cookies. this limits my grazing and keeps me from stuffing my face full of sugar.

clothing: i'm a little nervous about my clothes. i don't have a lot of maternity clothes. i received a good amount of hand-me-downs from my sister and friend Danielle. a lot of these don't fit me yet and some are a bit too stretched out. i have bought a few pieces here and there, but maternity clothes are EXPENSIVE! yikes! as it gets hotter and i get bigger, i'm really not sure what i'm going to wear! if you have anything you'd like to loan me, let me know! :)

sleep: i get up maybe once a night right now, so i'm still getting a good nights sleep! i hope this lasts for at least 6 more weeks!

symptoms: lack of motivation (i usually deep clean the house once a week... that just isn't happening lately. the baby's room is still a disaster zone. i have not been cooking or planning meals very much lately), stretch marks (oh, joy!), lower ligament pain (blueberry is now the size of an eggplant and he is stretching my little body out) back pain (but only when i am at my desk at work), ACID REFLUX TO THE MAX-- oh it burns people

remedies: I carry TUMS with me everywhere, but I try to go easy on them because I've heard of people getting kidney stones for eating too many (due to the calcium). I go to the chiropractor 3 times a week and LOVE IT; nothing feels better than a good neck/back crack, not to mention the immense health benefits to me & blueberry (don't get me started on spinal health). I take a walk every day, lift free weights at home (my arms are getting quite flabby) every day and try to get to the gym twice a week. This has been helping my energy levels & self esteem. I take a long, warm bubble bath at least twice a week, this has been helping ease the pain in my stretching ligaments; it takes the pressure of the baby off of my pelvis!

what i miss: i miss matt the most, he is out of town until the 30th. his absence has really made me realize how much he helps/serves me ESPECIALLY since i've been pregnant! i also really miss COFFEE!! i would drink it if it didn't cause terrible heart burn, doctors say a cup of coffee a day would not hurt the baby. too bad it hurts this momma.

thanks for reading this! it may be super boring to some of you, but its fun for me to record this special time in my life.

PS- no bump pics as of late... hope to get one up soon since i've had a pretty big growth spurt!

blessings raining down

2011-05-06T11:00:00.004-04:00

over the past few months, blessings have been raining down on me and matt. inexplicable blessings. we've done nothing differently, we've prayed no more & no less. this has just been a season of blessing. i am trying to soak it up and be joyful. however...

this is not my natural reaction

i WANT to plan. i want to take those blessings and store them away for a rainy, dark day. but, doing so robs me of the joy of each blessing. so i'm trying hard to allow these blessings to rain down right now. matt is helping me learn how to accept these blessings and be joyful.

as i mentioned in my last post, matt has been busy! he has had jobs pouring in. [for those of you who don't know, matt is a freelance film maker/videographer] one after the other, so much so that before our beach vacation, matt was only sleeping for 2 hours each day so that he could finish editing and shooting all of these jobs. we have had seasons (sometimes months at a time) where there are no jobs coming in at all. even in those seasons, god has provided more than enough for us. but, i always panic. i always wonder where god is in those seasons. which is why i am wanting to use the overflow to plan for eminent drought. but, in that i assume that there will be a drought. what if there isn't? i never plan for that! i always assume the worst is yet to come. and i once again rob myself of joy! so in this season of blessing i am trying to live in the moment, be thankful, be generous and joyful.

i am so excited for matt and for how far he has come in his freelance business! we are about to make a big purchase for his business that has been a long time coming. we've saved for a long time for this...

the Canon 7D with a kit lens and an additional Zeiss lens

this will really free matt up to do more work. oddly enough, he has never owned his own camera. this camera is a DSLR but has HD Video capabilities. this is the camera he used to shoot his first feature film, Esposito! i'm excited because i will also be able to use it for www.foregroundphotos.blogspot.com ! i've neglected my little photo blog, mostly because i keep forgetting to load film into my camera (doh!) when i intended to snap some photos.

this camera will be another blessing to add to the pile. thank you Jesus. i don't know why you're blessing us, but i am thankful.

if you want to see some of matt's work click the picture of him on the side bar ---->

thanks for reading!

busy april, scared of may

2011-05-02T10:50:00.006-04:00

well, we had one hell of a month at the nunn house. matt worked around the clock on different projects, i pulled a ligament in my lower abdomen (i thought it was labor, so we spent about 8 hours in labor & delivery checking on things), we got into a car accident (the car was totaled, but no one was hurt), we went on a family vacation to the beach, we got a crib for the nursery, we felt our baby boy move and kick a lot and i've gained a whole lot of weight. april flew by.

i've gained 18 pounds so far, which is pretty normal i guess, but i haven't been doing much to prevent unhealthy weight gain. i saw some pictures of myself from a family wedding this past weekend and cringed. i've gained weight EVERYWHERE! so this month i'm going back to the gym! when we were at the beach, i ate everything in sight and barely exercised at all. when i'm at home i'm much better about eating healthily and taking walks. but, april was so busy i just got lazy!

matt is leaving for 20 days this month to work on a film in kentucky. this will be the longest we've been apart in a long long time--- since before we were married. there are lots of events in may that will keep me busy (my first baby shower! and my best friend emily is coming to visit for a whole week!!) and keep my mind off of his absence. i'm mostly worried about the day-to-day. making dinner together in the evenings, watching movies together, weekend hikes and adventures... all of this will have to wait until june. so, if you're looking for something to do between may 10-may 30 i'm free! lets hang out.

i've got a little to-do list going for myself while matt is gone. hopefully i can get lots done while he is gone and keep myself busy!

blueberry's nursery does not have a theme. after trying to pick one, we decided that we didn't want our son to get too much of one thing. for example, growing up my older sister always like butterflies. people found out that she liked butterflies. so from then on everything she received as a gift had a butterfly on it somewhere. she now called this the butterfly curse. so, we didn't want our son to get stuck with a sort-of butterfly curse of his own. and honestly, matt and i are a little more on the eclectic side in our home decor. we don't like things to match too much, we like unique pieces that remind us of friends & family, we like personalized items. i have only bought one thing (in the decor area) for the nursery, a little canopy to hang over the crib. when i saw it at ikea, i fell in love with it!

i love that it incorporates lots of different colors. i also found this photo online of a cute nursery alphabet, i'm still working on finding enough letters to make the whole alphabet, but i think it would be cute and still work with the eclectic style of our home.

this post was kind of stream of consciousness! sorry about that!

thanks for reading!

coming to terms

2011-04-13T15:47:00.005-04:00

as my belly gets bigger and the movements of the baby are felt more and more, i think more about the big birth day. not my birthday... my baby's birth day. my first giving birth day that other mamas tell me, i will never forget. after establishing our mutual longing for children (while engaged... or dating, i can't remember) matt and i dreamed about being parents. it wasn't a top 10 (or even top 20!) topic of conversation until trying to get pregnant became a reality. but, it was always in the back of our minds. someday we would be parents... together.

woah

in those thoughts, as a woman, i imagined (but i don't think i ever verbalized these thoughts) contractions, labor, pushing and feeling the warm, gooey skin of the baby that just came out of me laid on my chest. it is something i think many women think about, it is what our bodies were created to do and what our mothering hearts long for (sadly, infertility and other complications come into play, so not all of our bodies were created to do this, i am not ignoring that fact). last year i was faced with a decision that would effect my future ability to contract, labor and push.

i had large, non-cancerous tumors growing in my uterus. i had been aware of these since i was 18 (but the tumors had most likely been growing since i was 13), but my doctor never expressed concern. these tumors are called fibroids and are common among the women in my family. so they just sat there and we all hoped they would shrink and disappear all together (sometimes they do). well, mine grew... and grew and grew. the biggest tumor was the size of a softball and was causing pain and discomfort. so we started talking about removing them. at this point they were too big and too numerous for laparoscopic surgery, major abdominal surgery was the only other option. leaving them in the uterus might not cause any harm, but could hurt my chances of getting pregnant in the future. there was no pressure from my doctor to get them removed fast, but he was concerned about our plans to have children. we weren't trying at the time, but had discussed trying in a year or two. doing the surgery now would give my uterus time to heal before trying to conceive.

so i had the surgery and not all went as planned. the plan was to make a small, horizontal incision at the bottom of my uterus-- the same incision made during a cesarean section. this was a good news because some doctors and many midwives will allow a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) if the incision is a low, horizontal incision. the risk for uterine rupture is lower with this type of incision. well, after i had gone under anesthesia, the surgeons discovered that some of the tumors were higher up in the uterus and therefore unreachable by horizontal incision.

they went with a vertical incision. the top of the scar nearly reaches my belly button. matt told me the news while i was recovering. i was on a lot of meds so it didn't hit me until much later that...

vertical incision means cesarean birth

this realization along with the news that they discovered endometriosis in my uterus, was upsetting. my doctor came to visit me while i was recovering in the hospital and told us that if we wanted to have children, especially if we wanted more than one, we would need to get started (after i recovered of course). endometriosis gets worse with age and prevents pregnancy in older women. so there i was, drugged up after having been cut open and man handled (i saw the pictures of my doc holding my uterus! yikes!), helpless over the way my children would be born.

don't get me wrong, i am so thankful that i was able to get this surgery, that i healed with virtually no problems and that matt and i were able to conceive after all of this! i really like my doctor and i trust his medical opinion, i have been his patient for 8 years and he knows me inside and out. but as i approach the big birth day i am a little sad.

i'm sad that i won't experience labor. i'm sad that i won't get to experience giving birth naturally.

lately, i've been coming to terms with the hand we've been dealt. which has been hard, since many of the books/articles/websites i read about pregnancy and motherhood are natural, earth-mama type hot spots. there are so many negative, hurtful words out there about cesarean births. many of the "woman advocates" writing these articles aren't really advocating for all women, they are advocating for a certain type of woman and mother. the type who gives birth in an inflatable pool in her living room. the type who has a family bed and wears her babies. more power to these women! seriously. if that is what you think is best for your baby, go for it.

i am doing what i think is best for me, my baby and my husband. i wish someone would respond with a "you go girl" instead of a "oh man, that's no fun" when i share the news that i'm delivering via c-section. it is not an ideal situation, but it is what has to be done to get this baby here safely. the baby will be born a little over a year after my surgery. my uterus could not bear the pressure of a major contraction. i would much rather have a cesarean that have my uterus rupture during labor... that would be so terrifying.

i've done my mourning. i've mourned the loss of a natural, vaginal birth. that is just something i will not get to experience and i'm moving past it. now i'm educating myself on c-sections. what can i expect? how can i help the baby transition well? how soon after the baby is born will he be able to breastfeed? tons of questions and tons of POSITIVE literature is out there for me to delve into. i'm steering clear of those negative 'advocates' and focusing on getting my sweet baby boy here safely.

thanks for reading and thank you for your support!

i'll leave you with a bump photo!

(20 weeks)

hello little one

2011-04-08T10:30:00.006-04:00

here are the ultrasound pictures i spoke of before. i decided NOT to post the money shot, out of respect for my son. he may not appreciate me posting his 'charlie browns' all over the interwebs later in life. but, i will show you some other good stuff...

blueberry was stretched out, just relaxing when we first starting checking in on him. the ultrasound tech said most babies are crunched up in the fetal position... not this lil' guy

his legs were danglin' and eventually he put his hands in front of his face (i think he just wanted to be left alone). she also told us that he is measuring long, especially those danglin' legs. looks like he is going to be tall like his papa. everything looks healthy (minus a slightly enlarged kidney, which may work itself out before he is born), which was the best news we have heard since we saw the little blue +.

i'm going to be a mini-mom in a sea of giants

mango baby

2011-04-04T10:55:00.011-04:00

blueberry baby is now the size of a mango!

before getting pregnant, i had never had a mango, but then i read that mangos are REALLY good for you so i started making mango smoothies at least twice a week, those suckers are delicious! anyway, the baby is growing so fast and before we know it, there will be a real live person on the earth. some days i'm excited for that and other days i'm totally NOT ready. this morning, after vomiting up my breakfast, i was ready to hold my baby in my arms and not in my belly.

*side note to other mamas* isn't morning sickness supposed to go away in your 2nd trimester? i'm 19 weeks and still get sick 3 mornings out of the week?!

here are some pictures from the past couple of weeks.

our new home... i am loving it here! seriously, everyday i wake up feeling blessed and full of gratitude for our new house. it is so perfect for this time in our lives. there are tulips out front and an azalea bush is starting to bloom!

19 weeks and 4 days bump this is matt's 'proud papa' face. i took this after we found out the baby is a BOY!! we are so excited to welcome our son into this world. if he is anything like his papa, he will touch the life of every person he meets. i can't wait to get to know him! my friend susanna brought these CUTE little boy shoes for blueberry (along with a CAST IRON SKILLET!!! AHHH and some bones for Marla... susanna is such a blessing)!

19 weeks from the front... as you can see, more than my belly is growin'

side view of our growing boy!

i hope to get some ultrasound pictures up soon!

thanks for reading!

the gift of yourself

2011-03-28T09:52:00.003-04:00

when i'm made to feel insignificant and small, or told indirectly that i've taken a path in my life that is less meaningful or purposeful, i turn to this quote from Mother Teresa for comfort and i am reminded of truth:

do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. we must love those who are nearest to us, in our own family. above all, your love has to start there. do not pursue spectacular deeds; in the work that we have to do it does not matter how small and humble it may be, make it Christ's love in action. what matters is the gift of yourself, the degree of love that you put into each one of your actions.

good eats

2011-03-23T15:01:00.008-04:00

as i was scrolling through my gallery of cell phone pictures yesterday i realized that about 85% of my pictures are of food. most of these pictures were taken before i was pregnant, so i can't blame it on the baby like i usually do. i don't consider myself a "foodie" mostly because i'm not a very good cook. but i do love me some good eats and i'm trying to get better at the cooking thing!

matt and i have changed our weekly eating & shopping habits as of late. we used to cycle through 5-6 basic dinners each week and we got bored. and the more pregnant i get the less i want to think about what to make for dinner. i would like it if delicious food would appear on a plate in front of me. but, that isn't how it works.

when we discussed it and decided to start trying new recipes at dinner, i immediately thought 'this is going to get expensive.' so i did some internet research to try and find ways to make healthy, exciting dinners that won't break the bank. real simple is not only one of my favorite magazines, but also one of the best places to find good recipes! it also has a great chart for meal planning and grocery shopping, check it out here. it has really been helpful!

BEFORE going to the grocery store, i study my cook books and internet recipe sites for yummy meals. I plan out each dinner and scribble down the ingredients needed on my shopping list. once at the grocery store, i do not (or try really hard to not) buy anything that is NOT on the list. this is really hard because we shop at trader joe's and they have some really yummy snacks and treats that call my name. [side note: people don't believe me when i tell them that i consistently spend less money at trader joe's than at any other grocery store. and as a bonus, most of their products are organic or all natural. aldi may be a little cheaper, but i'm not a fan or their products. fun fact: the owners of trader joe's and aldi are brothers and both wanted to open discount grocery stores, they just did it in different ways.]

here are some fun websites where i find uncomplicated, inexpensive recipes OR meal ideas:

www.shutterbean.com

www.realsimple.com/food

www.allrecipes.com

www.simplybreakfast.blogspot.com

www.cheaphealthygood.blogspot.com

this week matt and i made homemade pizza! when he suggested it last week, i imagined myself sitting down to dinner covered in flour & cheese with frizzy hair and a sassy attitude. i was so wrong and amazed at how easy it was! not to mention cheap! trader joe's has whole wheat pizza dough for $2, so i figured i HAD to try it! the whole meal took maybe 20 minuets.

here are some pictures from our yummy dinner (we had to make 2 because we don't have a pan big enough to hold one big pizza):

finger lickin' good eats, y'all.

next week i'm going to attempt a pot roast! wish me luck!

thanks for reading!

peek-a-boo

2011-03-08T16:32:00.004-05:00

hello little baby bump. i'm starting to see you!

(15 weeks 4 days pregnant)

last week i started wearing maternity pants full-time. squeezing into my pre-pregnancy jeans just wasn't happening anymore. as soon as i got into those maternity pants, my muffin-top disappeared! YAY! we are almost to the 4 month mark, which i hear is pregnancy heaven! i can't wait to start feeling more normal. i've also heard that during 4-5 months, mama's desires for marital relations are kicked into high gear... yippee! i can't wait!

lately i've been feeling pretty good. i still get tired around 9pm, which is odd for me. so after falling asleep on the couch, i apologize to matt and tell him i'm going to bed even though its not even 10pm yet. he just laughs and takes me to our bed, prays for me and the baby, then closes the door. he usually cracks open a beer and watches a movie (or director commentaries on his favorite movies-- NERD!) until about 12:30 am. i told him this system might come in handy once the baby arrives. i can go to bed and he can stay up with the baby.... we will see.

we get to peek in on the little one in 3 weeks! i can't wait to see him/her again! we will also be able to find out the sex of the baby at that appointment... if the little one is in the right position.

what do you think.. is baby nunn a girl or a boy?

craziest week ever

2011-03-07T11:03:00.004-05:00

last week was pure insanity. i am so thankful to start a new week.

last sunday afternoon, as many of you know, we lost our dog Marla. we were relaxing at our favorite coffee shop on the patio, when a woman approached to pet our dog. i didn't see her at first, since she came up behind me. as i turned to look at her petting the dog, i accidentally dropped the leash. it is one of those retractable leashes, with a big plastic handle. Marla is a pound pup and it afraid of her own shadow, she is also terrified of the big plastic handle on her leash. when i dropped the leash, she took off running... she wasn't running from us, she was running from her leash. if you saw her, it looked like she was being chased by a leash because she was continually looking back at it. she ran SO fast, we could not catch up with her. i got in the car and drove frantically around the area. we couldn't find her. i called animal control, she wasn't there. matt had to go shoot a video, so i went home and updated her microchip information and made some lost dog fliers. we posted them around the area that we lost her, and continued to drive around asking every walker and biker if they had seen a dog being chased by a leash. i don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or my love for this silly dog, but i literally cried all night long. i was so worried about her! was she alive? did some sadistic animal torturer find her? was she still running? she was so terrified of that damn leash, she might still be running! the next morning, matt went to animal control to look for her.

there she was, cowering in the corner of a cage.

just like we found her in the pound in greensboro.

poor baby.

matt pulled her out and saw the damage. she was hit by a car, but no broken bones! just a gash above her brow, road rash on her leg and a few broken toenails. i've been spoiling her ever since she came home. poor pup.

monday-wednesday we continued to pack up our apartment. this was not an easy task after we both work all day, come home and want to do nothing more than spend time together and watch a movie. so we probably slacked off more than we should have in the packing department.

on wednesday around 9:45 pm (as i was getting ready for bed), my mom called. my sister-in-law was in labor and was already 8cm dilated! so matt and i rushed to presbyterian hospital, thinking the baby would be born at least by midnight. oh boy were we wrong. little Rowan Virgina arrived around 4am on thursday. she was SO sweet! when i came in to meet her, only a few minuets old, her eyes were WIDE open and she was making the cutest baby noises ever. i love her. and it has been so amazing to see my unemotional, manly brother as a proud papa. this little girl has him wrapped around her finger already!

mama, daddy and baby Rowan

i took a half day of work on thursday, then friday came. there was still so much to do to get ready for our move. we hadn't even packed out kitchen. on about 5 hours of sleep and after work i did as much as i could, then passed out on the couch. matt came home and finished it. we still had so many stray items around the apartment.

Saturday came. i woke up at 6:30 am to go to a kids consignment sale with my mom, hoping to find a cheap crib. we had no such luck. but i did find some cute baby and maternity clothes! lets be honest, i didn't really help move. matt, my dad, my cousin and one of matt's buddies did all the work. i got to clean out the refrigerator and pack up the random crap in our apartment.

but after all of that. we are finally moved. our new place is really such a blessing. it is perfect for this new stage in our life. matt has an office all to himself, finally! the baby will have a sweet little nursery and we have 2.5 bathrooms! woo hoo! pictures to come.

better world shopper

2011-03-01T14:30:00.002-05:00

~awareness tuesday~

its been a few weeks since i've posted for awareness tuesday; sorry about that!

this week i'll be telling you about pocket sized book that can change the way you think about shopping and spending money. i've posted about it once before, but i'm pretty sure no one read my blog back then. SO i'm posting about it again! this little book is called the better world shopping guide (BWSG) and it can fit right in your purse or diaper bag. the BWSG helps you navigate through brands and stores for almost every item you could need or want (ranging from cars-toiletries and everything in between).

the book focuses on 5 key issues:

human rights (do these companies/corporations make products by using sweatshops, exploiting 3rd world communities, child labor, etc ?)

the environment (how are they effecting our environment?)

animal protection (is animal treatment important to them in creating their product?)

community involvement (do they support local efforts? do they donate $?)

social justice (do they give fair wages to their workers? do they discriminate? do they care for their employees?)

when we spend money in stores or on brands that blatantly mistreat their employees or sell products made by children we give our stamp of approval on such irresponsible behavior. it may be easy to think "well, i'm only one person buying this stroller made by underpaid children, it can't have THAT much of an effect," but what if we are all thinking that! Its a snowball effect! If we all invested our money in socially, economically and environmentally responsible companies and corporations THOSE COMPANIES WOULD SUCCEED!

with every penny we spend we are voting for or against these key issues. i will tell you, it is a challenge to spend money on the good companies, mostly because they are a tad more expensive. "you get what you pay for" though, right? and trust me, i've made the excuse that "i'm only one person" SEVERAL times just to save a few bucks or a few minuets.

the better world shopping guide is only $10!! you can buy it and learn more about it here: www.betterworldshopper.org

If you can't spend the $10 right now, here are the top 10 BEST companies out there:

1- Seventh Generation

2-Method

3-Organic Valley

4-Clif Bar

5-Aveda

6-Tom's of Main

7-Dr. Bronner's

8-King Arthur Flour

9-Earthbound Farm

10- Dansko Footwear

here are the top 10 WORST companies out there:

1-Exxon Mobil (BP is now in the running for #1 due to the recent oil spill)

2-Kraft

3-Walmart

4-Chevron Texaco

5- General Electric

6-Gerenal Motors

7-Nestle

8-Pfizer

9-Citibank

10-AIG

i hope this helps and encourages you to think about what we spend our money on!

thanks for reading!

bump pics

2011-02-24T19:08:00.004-05:00

check out my baby bump (these pictures pretty much suck, but don't worry. matt and i are documenting my bump with the film camera, but we will have to wait to see those)

14 week bump!

side view

hello out there... you can't see much of a bump here b/c i'm wearing my new favorite color:
black (it hides the growing aspects of my body rather well)

too big, but not big enough

2011-02-22T15:59:00.003-05:00

none of my clothes fit right now. okay, that's an exaggeration. only a few pieces of my clothes fit me right now. i have a pair of jeans and 3 shirts that fit my current state. i'm almost 14 weeks along; not big enough to fit into maternity clothes (i do have some thanks to my sister and my friend Danielle), but not small enough to fit into my regular clothes. i look like a mess most of the time these days, trying to piece together outfits that don't squeeze my bulging belly too tight or push my growing breasts to the brim of the shirt. i have been using the ole' hair tie trick: look a simple hair tie around the button of your pants and through the button hole and wear your pre-pregnancy jeans longer! it works, but i have to wear a long shirt over the zipper, as it will not zip up. its okay to laugh at the image. its okay, i giggle, then grimace at myself each morning.

in all honesty, its weird allowing my body to grow. i'm no work-outaholic, but i did yoga twice a week and took a walk almost every day. i've never counted calories, but i do eat healthily (with a little ice cream and french fries here and there). i stopped going to my regular yoga class because I've read mixed things about (non pre-natal) yoga and pregnancy. i still eat healthily, but blueberry wants lots and lots of potatoes. all the time potatoes, in any form. bakes potatoes, tater tots, french fries, hash browns, etc. all this to say, its been lovely being able to eat what i want and what is good for the baby, but it has caused some serious weight gain and i'm starting to see it. when i talk about it with matt he says, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" yes, yes i know, honey thank you. but, even though i'm pregnant seeing these changes in my body is hard! i just keep telling myself: my body is not my own.

my body is not my own

my body is blueberry's home

so i look frumpy for a little while. so my zipper won't zip for a few months. i'm growing a human being here! before i was pregnant i would read these mommy blogs where women were complaining about body image and weight gain and getting on a strict work out plan/diet after baby arrives i would think "i will never be that kind of mom." i judged too quickly not realizing how fast a woman's body changes when she is pregnant. i don't think i had enough time to mentally prepare myself for what my body would look like on the outside. so i'm trying to be honest about my early pregnancy glory body. bursting out of my clothes. unable to suck it in. face filling out. buying bigger bras. unbuttoning my pants when i sit down. its all part of my mama training. my focus has to change; its not about me anymore. its about the little blueberry (who is now the size of a lemon so matt is calling him/her lemonberry) growing into a healthy baby. that baby is my new priority.

1st trimester round up

2011-02-15T11:26:00.004-05:00

SO pregnancy, yeah.... i'm in over my head! but, i've been reading lots of books about what to eat, what to expect each week, how the baby it growing, breastfeeding, birthing via C-Section (more on this later), cloth diapering and so on. for the first 11.5 weeks of my pregnancy i felt nauseous almost constantly. i carried around a pack of crackers or bag of pretzels in my purse and munched every time i got that feeling. i also had a very stuffy nose; i didn't realize that this was a symptom of pregnancy, but i'll just add that to the list of fun! now that i am in my 12th week the nausea is going away (praise God!), but i've caught a pretty bad cold so we'll see if the stuffy nose goes away. every night around 8:30 i felt like going to bed, but i would make myself stay awake until 10. I was frustrated by my extreme tiredness, feeling like a party pooper!

But, yesterday after the ultrasound I understood why I was so tired! we had our first ultrasound when i was 4 weeks along, as i mentioned in my previous post, there was just a the black dot. all we could see was a little black dot-- the amniotic sac where the baby would grow. yesterday, there was a real live baby in there! s/he was moving around and jumping up and down and just having a good time. THAT'S why i've been so tired! a little person was forming inside of me! head, neck, arms, legs, toes... s/he has everything!

here is a picture of little baby nunn chilling in my mama spa

matt thinks he can see the baby smiling, but i don't really see it. i do see arms and legs floating around, though. we also got a look at the underside to see if we could tell the sex of the baby, but its too early to say for sure. we did get a good look at the baby's legs, which look extremely long to me! that baby is going to take after his/her tall papa.

seeing the baby move around really just made our valentines day the best ever. matt and i don't go out of our way to celebrate valentine's day, but this day was just so special we decided to make a date out of it. he took me to one of my favorite spots: Amelie's French Bakery (which he pretty much hates by the way), then we picked up a dozen donuts at Krispy Kreme (only a pregnant woman would get a dozen donuts on valentines day) went home and snuggled on the couch. it was perfect.

a little blue +

2011-02-09T15:32:00.006-05:00

just a week or so before Christmas, i received the BEST Christmas gift of all:

a little blue plus sign (as you can see from my gaping mouth, i was a little surprised!)

a week before taking the test, i was snacking on some tortilla chips and dip with matt. after a little while i realized that he had stopped eating, but i was going at those bad boys like it was nobodies business! i looked over at matt (who was staring at me) and said "I CAN'T STOP!" he laughed and said the overly confident words he had never uttered before: "it's because you're pregnant."

it was swirling around in the back of my mind, but he spoke it.

he went so far as to tell some close friends at church (before we had even confirmed it!) that i was pregnant.

we even had some friends pray over us and prophetically proclaim that we would have a baby soon, "but not in this place (in our apartment)."

as the previously decided test date got closer, i got more and more nervous.

what if he was wrong? what if those prayers we just requests, rather than truth?

so i did it, i peed on a stick (I believe it was december 17th). matt had asked me to wake him up before i checked to see if it was positive or negative. i threw a tissue over the test, but not before sneaking a peak a the + sign. my eyes widened and i ran to the bedroom. "wake up! its time to check." matt shuffled into the bathroom and i revealed the test. we laughed and hugged for a little while. then matt sweetly said, "if i'm not showing much emotion, its just because it doesn't seem real yet, not because i'm not excited." i felt the same way. it was positive, but it didn't feel real yet! it still doesn't!

oddly enough, i had my 6 month post-operation check up and ultrasound at the OB/GYN that day (yep, the same day that i took a test). i stopped at my parents house on the way to my appointment and shared the good news with my mom... who cried! she is the cutest mini-mom ever!! i excitedly told the nurse at the check-in counter. i took another pee test and had blood drawn. then... we had the ultrasound. not only was everything healing beautifully from my surgery, there was a little black dot (the sac that would hold/nourish the baby for the next 9 months) and evidence that my uterus was already growing to accommodate my new little blueberry (this is what we've been calling baby nunn). we had some pictures printed off, but it really was just a tiny black dot.

it was so great to find out around christmas, because then we got to share the good news with all of our family in person! we gave matt's parents a card with the ultrasounds picture in it, which made matt's mom jump up and say "i knew it!" matt told my 94 year old grandmother in front of a room full of people. she asked, "how are you, matt?" and he said ,"GREAT! Mary's pregnant!" she paused for a minuet, surprised by the news, then kissed him on the lips! there were hugs all around!

so far its been an interesting journey! i'll be sharing more about it very very soon! thanks for your prayers during our time of trying to conceive! i will be 12 weeks pregnant on friday. :)

thank you & update

2011-02-07T10:56:00.003-05:00

thank you, sweet blog readers for all of the prayers and good energy that you sent our way. a few hours after writing my last post, matt called to tell me that he got a job with a NEW client! this was GLORIOUS news because 1-he needed to get a job! and 2-new client means more business (if all goes well). the new client works for an ad agency, which could possibly provide matt with a lot of videos. matt came home on wednesday with the biggest smirk on his face. "what? what is it?" i asked him. he got paid for some extra editing and DVD creating that he did for a past job, neither of us expected him to get paid for this considering this job was over. but, GOD is so good and provided for us in our dark moment.

after writing my previous post, i turn to James in the Bible, which I've been reading off and on for the past month or so. here is what i found (in the message translation):

"people who 'worry their prayers' are like wind-whipped waves. don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea; keeping all of your options open." [james 1:8]

ouch! that last line got me!

i keep all of my options open when i pray my worried prayers.i ask God for help, then think to myself 'okay, what can I do to make this happen.' i have very little patience when it comes to prayer, which became very evident to me last week. if He doesn't show up in my time frame, its over and i'm already in fix it mode. i have to learn, to grasp with my heart the truth that

God is my only option

to even believe for a second that i can fix these dark moments, that i can lift us up our of the muck, its ridiculous! its a lie, a lie that i believe every time things aren't going so well. so that is my mantra. He is my only option.

so thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. i seriously felt them and the Lord met me and matt during this rough time. thanks for being a part of that.

we get to move into our new townhouse starting march 1, but we will most likely move all of the big stuff that weekend (hopefully, matt is really eager, so he may do it on his own haha). we will get our deposit back from our apartment complex, but we have to pay rent for our apartment through april 4, so we won't really walk away our deposit since most of it will be going toward march's rent.

stressed

2011-02-01T11:13:00.002-05:00

hello blog readers. things aren't going so well in the nunn household today. i've been debating with myself about posting about it here, i decided that maybe our situation can encourage others OR bring some encouragement our way. life isn't all puppies, rainbows and snow; so if this blog is really a glimpse of my world, then i should let you all glimpse the not-so-pretty parts of my world, too, right?

so here i go...

our lease for our apartment is up on march 1st, we hadn't decided if we were going to move right away or sign a month-to-month for a little while until we found a new place. so we've been house-hunting for the past couple of weeks. on saturday we found a BEAUTIFUL townhouse in a great location, for a great price (the price was so good for the quality we were kind-of skeptical). we toured the house twice and signed a lease/paid the deposit yesterday. this new house is perfect; hardwood floors throughout, brand new appliances in the kitchen, private patio, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and it is very colorfully painted inside. i was stressed about putting a big deposit down, but we made it work.

you see, matt has had a hard time finding jobs this year so far (he is a freelance videographer/ film producer), so we are making ends meet and dipping into our savings a bit. so putting down a deposit on our new home the day before our rent was due made me nervous. but, i prayed "Lord, if we are going to get this new house, you are going to have to provide for us." i'm trusting that God is provider... i'm not and matt is not. that is what we talked about on the way over to sign the lease.

this morning, matt delivered our rent check and notice that we were moving out of the apartment complex. my heart was literally crushed when he called to tell me that we were supposed to give 60 days notice, and since we didn't we will have to continue paying rent through march and forfeit our deposit. i went to the bathroom at work and cried/asked God why he isn't helping us. matt's Realtor friend is helping us find a loophole to see if we can get out of this somehow. i was really counting on getting our deposit back... i've NEVER had to forfeit a deposit EVER (probably because i am OCD and follow all the rules :) ). we have money in our savings to help cover these costs, but i hate seeing money go down the drain. i honestly do not know what to do in this situation. i am really at a loss.

can you please pray for us. pray that God would provide for us in this situation, that he would give Matt some work to help cover these costs. pray that we would grow in understanding that HE is the provider not US! any encouragement and prayers you can offer would be great.

thank you!

another bff

2011-01-25T08:23:00.004-05:00

~awareness tuesday~

this week i want to tell you about another one of my best friends who is now living as a missionary (lets face it at least 70% of my friends are now missionaries). julie was one of my first friends at UNCG, we met at intervaristy christian fellowship (a campus ministry) and she eventually became my small group leader through IVCF. she pursued me well, she waved me over to her table at the cafeteria, invited me to hang out with her and her friends on the weekend and i eventually moved in right down the hall from her. she basically showed me the ropes of college life. we grew closer and closer as the years went on, now we've been friends for over 7 years!

me and julie being our silly selves in 2006

julie grew up in bogota, colombia; her parents were missionaries (they only recently left the mission field to pastor a church in canada). i only knew julie for a couple of weeks before realizing that she had a heart for social justice. she lived among the international students for the duration of her college career, getting to know students from around the world. julie had a contagious passion to see christ known in all the nations. especially africa. julie would not shut up about wanting to go to africa. seriously, the girl loves africa. she spent some time in kenya after high school and knew that she wanted to go back. can you guess where she is serving now?!

julie is now living in soshaguve, a township in pretoria, south africa. she is working with a christian order called innerCHANGE. this ministry is unique because it is an incarnational ministry. julie is not living in a cushy suburb of soshaguve, nope. she is living with the poor in this township. she does not commute in to minister to the poor, she lives with a family there and eats with her neighbors. julie is literally the ONLY white person living in the township (this is obviously hard for her, but is showing her neighbors that she isn't going to leave the township when things get hard. she isn't there to use them, she is there to know them and love them).

what does julie do specifically? she works with a government institution for abused children and orphans. she spends time with the girls who live at the institution and is about to start a tutoring program for all of the high school students there. she is helping to start an after school program for the children in her neighborhood to help educate the next generation. she is living life with the people of soshaguve, attending weddings and funerals, celebrating christmas and new years. julie blogs about her daily life in the township here: http://julieicsouthafrica.blogspot.com/

i just received word that she is 100% funded, but if you feel moved to give i'm sure innerCHANGE in soshaguve can use financial help.

i can't tell you what a blessing it has been to be a part of julie's journey to africa. she was patient and is now living and serving where she was meant to.

thanks for reading!

snow day

2011-01-12T16:04:00.008-05:00

charlotte has been pretty much shut down for the past 2 days. no school, no work (well, i work from home part-time so i worked), no driving. the roads were covered in ice and we were stuck at home. i love snow. i have always loved snow. it quiets my heart and it makes us slow down. it forces us to cuddle and snuggle and gather around the fire. it is magical. me and matt had a lovely snow day (note:matt does not enjoy playing in the snow, or spending any time in the snow. he enjoys looking at from his warm home). i got to read, knit, watch a movie, bake, cook chili and spend quality time with my little family.

starting the day off right with cinnamon rolls. matt and i started this tradition during our first year of marriage. we made cinnamon rolls and watched the first snowfall of the season from our mountain apartment. we had such a lovely morning, we decided to do it each year at the sign of the first snowflake.

after lounging with the hubs for a bit, i wanted to get out and play! matt stayed in while me and marla went for a walk. marla loves snow. she gets so hyper and excited! i even threw some snowballs at her to get her going. so me and marla went for a walk on the greenway. and it was EMPTY. no footprints, no people, no dogs. it was just us and the snow and some cardinals.

the creek was frozen over and the trees were heavy with the weight of the snow.

these were my snow boots at the end of our walk.

i was all bundled up!

i was so thankful to have this day off. matt and i spent the weekend working on a short film (details and pictures to come! ) and were exhausted by sunday. [spoiler alert: i play a battered wife in the short film... you know you want to see my bruised eye and busted lip!]

kick off the new year by looking at the past

2011-01-05T16:06:00.007-05:00

At the beginning of each new year, I try to look at the one that has just past with a thankful heart and fresh eyes. since i am now in the future, it is easy to do this; looking at life with fresh eyes in the midst of it is not as easy. anyway, i usually do this by looking through old journal entries, notes and other little memories i've saved in a box or have used as a book mark. this year, don't have a lot of those little time capsules because we moved twice (i am type-A, i tend to throw things away/take them to goodwill when we move). so i'm leaving a little time capsule here on my blogspot.

some highlights from 2010:

matt and i traveled a lot

(jamaica! new york! camping at our favorite spot in old fort, nc!)

my brother got married (and knocked up his wife!) and my nephew Knox was born!

i got my fibriods removed! though the surgery wasn't a highlight, the relief and results definitely were! (no pics for this one... trust me you don't want to see.)

matt finished and premiered his first feature length film: ESPOSITO!

2010 was busy...very busy. we moved from greensboro to charlotte at the end of november 2009... we moved in with my parents. yeah. it was hard, though not as hard as i thought it would be and we were only there for a few months. we moved into our own place and i started working for my dad's company. just when we thought our mode of transition was over, i had my surgery and was down (literally) for 6 weeks. matt did such a wonderful job of taking care of me during those six weeks. he served me in so many ways (seeing me in a really nasty state most of the time), never once did he complain about walking me to the bathroom at 2am. in 2010, we really grew in our marriage. we've reached a new level and understand each other so much better these days. i remember our first year of marriage, wondering sometimes if i chose the right man (we had some dark days and nasty fights)! i feel really good about how far we have come in our hardest places: communication, living habits and social respect (i don't know if that's a thing, but i just mean respecting/caring for each other in the company of others).

spiritually i really grew in the area of prayer, especially others-centered prayer. since becoming a christian in 2003, i've always wanted to be one of those "prayer warriors" but never really had the patience or passion for prayer. in 2010 God really opened up my prayer life. in almost all of the other areas of spiritual development though... i kinda slacked off. i hardly ever cracked open the bible, i quit journaling around february 2010 and don't even get me started on serving others! yikes!

last year my goals were attainable and simple: grow in prayer, learn yoga, be a better shopper (buy from socially/environmentally conscious companies), learn violin, work on your marriage. 3 1/2 out of 5 is pretty good, y'all!! i haven't quite figured out the violin just yet, but i can play "O, Susanna" and all of the major scales. and the 1/2 accomplishment is for being a better shopper. matt and i do a pretty good job at this, but i can tell that we are getting lazy-- so we'll keep working on this.

there is a lot in store for us in 2011. i'm not overly positive and i'm not usually one to say "this year is going to be so different!" but... this year is going to be different and my life will change completely this year.

so here are some thoughts for the coming year (that started almost a week ago):

spend more time with the Lord

find an outreach outlet-- serve the poor/needy/unloved this year

take little trips once a month with matt before august

(write him little love notes, serve him out of love)

be more selfless in my marriage and friendships

open an etsy shop with ellen (my sister)-- be creative!

figure out what i want to do (career wise)

become a mother

my key word for 2011 is:

SELFLESSNESS

post-holiday post

2011-01-03T15:15:00.003-05:00

every year after Christmas, i get the post-christmas blues. there is always new years eve, but as i've stated in the past (see my december 2009 post) it can be quite a let down, so i don't get my hopes up for new years eve anymore. this year's christmas was one of the best. as usual, we spent christmas eve with matt's parents, grandparents, brother and niece. we had such a nice time gathered around the tree nibbling on the finger foods my mother-in-law had prepared. we were blessed beyond measure by all of the gifts. after we opened presents we headed over to the well (our church) for the christmas eve service. this was my first christmas eve service outside of the catholic church! it was lovely, we sang christmas carols by candle light, the kids put on a christmas pageant and best of all... we worshipped. i was so blessed by the worship that night, singing to a little baby who would grow into the saviour. our worship leader wrote a sweet christmas song, the chorus goes like this:

"mama and her baby, lying in a manger.

the savior that would save me, cryin' in the cool evening air"

how simple! how humble! how can this not bring us to our knees?

after a worshipful service, we headed home. this was our first christmas eve ever in our own home. since we didn't live in the same town as our family before this year, we always stayed with my parents on christmas eve. it was incredible restful to be alone before the chaos of chrsitmas day ensued. we stopped by mcdonald's (ew, i know right?! i was craving it though, i'm allowed one mcdonald's mistake) on the way home, scarfed down some chicken nuggets while watching home alone, then snuggled in our brand new bed. well the mattress isn't' new, but matt got me a new bed frame for christmas (white, rod-iron!), so it was like sleeping on a new mattress.

christmas day came and went so fast! i woke up early to prepare a sweet-potato casserole for the family christmas dinner, then we headed over to mom and dad's for pancakes, bacon and eggs. oh yea, we know how to kick off christmas day. then we all gathered around the christmas tree and opened gifts. this year we drew names, since our family is growing really fast. i was SO thankful for this! we don't need so many presents for christmas! come on! :) this year was particularly fun because it was our first christmas with a baby in the mix. knox had his first christmas this year! you can only guess what his favorite toy was..... a box with a picture of a baby playing with a toy! haha! we had so much fun with him.

we headed over to my grandmom's (she is 93!) house where numerous aunts, uncles and cousins were catching up with one another (my mom is one of 9 children). we picked at the appetizers, opened MORE gifts and chatted with the federal (my mom's maiden name) side of the family. around 3 we headed over to boompa's house (my paternal grandpa). boompa's can be really chaotic because there are so many little kids running around the house (my dad is one of 12 children). we didn't do much at boompas, we just needed to make an appearance. after boompas, i was STARVING and ready to eat the delicious dinner that was waiting for us at mom and dad's. i just needed to heat up the casserole and steam the broccli, then we would be ready to eat... right? NOPE! my brother (who we have already banned from helping with family meals) had not even started making his dish. it was 7pm and he needed an HOUR AND A HALF to make potatoes au gratin.

i. was. not. happy.

some of you know this, some of you don't... i get grumpy when i'm hungry. it wouldn't have been so bad, but he was so unapologetic and inconsiderate about it. not to mention he had been drinking since 2. so we waited, all the while thinking "these better be the best damn potatoes ever." we ate a delicious christmas dinner around 10pm.

let this be a public record:

brendan is no longer allowed to cook at mom's house

if he wishes to participate in a meal, he must prepare it before hand!

my sisters and i made this decree before (he has done similar things in the past) and we MUST stick to it from now on! the potatoes were pretty delicious, though.

matt and i drove home in the snow!!

this was the first white christmas in NC since the 1940s~ how magical!

all in all it was a great christmas, one to be remember for sure.

if you want to see pictures of the holiday go to my photo blog:

foregroundphotos.blogpos.com

thanks for reading!

bff

2010-12-28T10:22:00.009-05:00

~awareness tuesday~

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. I will write more about ours later, but today I wanted to write about someone very near and dear to my heart for awareness tuesday. this life-long friend of mine has dedicated her life to caring for abandoned children. emily and i lived together for my last 2 years of college.

first here (our beloved Eradiance):

then here (sch-mendey):

these years were some of the best in my life. emily is one of my best friends. we traveled together, she stood up for me at my wedding, has prayed for me and loved me through some really ugly moments. emily and i grew tremendously in our friendship and i know that i grew in understanding unconditional love. in these houses we laughed a lot, cried, fought, gave each other the silent treatment, talked a lot, learned about forgiveness, shared secrets, rode bikes, made music, made friends and lived life to the fullest. i remember the day i moved out of the green house, i drove away with my car packed and cried. i cried the entire 2 hour drive to charlotte. anyway, i digress.

all this to say, emily is amazing. she is now living in Bogota, Colombia working with formando vidas (http://www.colombiastreetkids.org/). she lives in a house with another young woman who also works with formando vidas, 2 almost teenage girls and a young boy who she has been fostering for over a year. their parents (or their mothers at least) are still living, but are living on the streets and are addicted to drugs. the children get to see their parents at visitation weekends, which are always pretty hard for emily and the kids, but necessary for the health of the parent/child relationship. emily spends her days and nights not only caring for the physical needs of these kids, but their emotional and spiritual needs, too. she is mothering these children as if they were her own, she is pouring her life into them so that they can know love, so that they can know they are cherished by God. it has been an honor to walk along side emily during this adventure. emily is able to do what she is doing because many generous people and churches give to her work.

if you want to learn more about her work and follow her journey she blogs here: http://ontologyofemily.blogspot.com/. leave her an encouraging comment to find out how to give financially or receive her prayer letters.

~thanks for reading~

oops... christmas instead

2010-12-15T10:31:00.008-05:00

well, i've already fallen down on the job... i've missed an 'awareness tuesday' post. *fail* it will return next week though so stay tuned!

instead i'm going to do a

holiday post

i usually give very practical/useful gifts to my loved ones for christmas each year, it is incredibly hard for me to buy something that is only for enjoyment. i'm pushing myself this year to give matt something non-practical. every year he seems thankful for the new useful item, but a little disappointed that he can't have much fun with it. he keeps trying to guess what i'm getting him... i looooove torturing him by keeping it a secret! sorry, i can't tell you what it is yet either.

this year will be the first year that we get to wake up in our own place on Christmas morning. Previous years, we have lived out of town and therefore spent the night at relatives' houses. We are so excited to start our own traditions! I'm putting fancy chocolate in his stocking :) shhh don't tell. which reminds me, i still have a lot of shopping to do. *phew* i'm always so late with my Christmas shopping!

the gift at the top of our Christmas list this year is..... a positive pregnancy test! well, it will be an early christmas gifts, but an awesome one none-the-less. i also hope to get some lovely minneonka moccasins like these (lets be honest, shoes don't hold a candle to a new baby):

what do you want to find under the tree this year?

i'm loving handmade home decorations like this from bash, please

food, family and friends are a few of my favorite things about christmas. my mom makes the MOST amazing butter cookies (sounds healthy, right?) and sherry cakes (we're irish, we have to have alcohol in our desserts). my brother always has to make some fancy, delicious finger foods. last year he made figs wrapped in bacon...ugh so good.

image from marthastewart.com

this year will be our first year with little Knox. i can't wait for his little cousin (no-name yet, but my sister-in-law is growing a little baby girl in her mama-spa) to join us next year!

i miss all of you far-away friends this season especially: emily G, julie I, laura F, leah G, seth F, emily squared, gail, loren C and anna. i hope your christmas is full of light, love and joy!

PEACE ,LOVE and JOY

to all of you reading this!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

awareness tuesday

2010-12-06T16:20:00.009-05:00

as i peruse the interwebs and blog world, i've noticed a trend: little themed weekly posts. i've thought about joining in on some of the fun, but i feel lame when i try to come up with something. SO i thought i'd make up my own theme for a weekly post. how did i come up with "awareness tuesday"? well, i was reading a friend's blog and saw that she was donating some of the proceeds from her etsy shop to another friend's adoption. and i thought, man i wish i could do more to help this awesome family adopt a child. then it came to me... i have a network of people (some who read my blog) that many of my friends in need have no access to. this is my way of connecting my friends; some who are in need of help and others who are willing to give help. those who are in need of help are generally world changers, people striving to do a lot of good in this world. people who step outside of themselves and live selflessly. my hope is to raise awareness about said world changers to inspire you and invite you to partner with us in changing the world.

i hope you like my new weekly post: awareness tuesday. i'll post each tuesday about someone i know (or someone you know, if you'd like to send me their info) who needs help changing the world.

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~awareness tuesday~

i'm kicking off these weekly posts with the thompson family adoption. danielle, jason and their 5 (yes 5) children attend our church. they are such an amazing family, i've learned a lot from my friendship with danielle so far. we haven't known them for very long, but this hasn't really effected the depth of our friendship. danielle is one of the most welcoming spirits i've met. she is always welcoming the new people with open arms at church, i watch in awe of her people skills. she is so at ease in small talk situations (i, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck!). jason is a passionate, caring man. matt and i had dinner with the thompsons (yes all 7 of them!) over the summer and i was amazed at jason. he helped make dinner, get the kids to the table, poured drinks, cut up meat for each kid (man that takes a long time, when you have 5!). only after everyone was settled did he touch his meal. i told danielle afterwards, how awesome it was to watch him step up like that. oh and don't even get me started on their kids. they are awesome. matt and i had the pleasure of babysitting them recently, we had a blast! when i see them at church their 3 year old asks me, "where mac?" which just makes me melt.

the thompsons began their journey of adopting a little girl from ethiopia a number of years ago through adoption advocates international. they were accepted by the agency and were in line for a referral when danielle got preganant with their 5th child malachi. they had to wait until malachi was a little older to continue the process. they are now back on track and are waiting for a referral (correct me in the comment section if i'm wrong, danielle). to read more about their family, adoption and for awesome pictures visit danielle's blog. i'm not sure where they are financially in this process right now, it seems to change each time i talk with them. i do know that they are in need. as soon as they get a referral, they will need a large sum of money. they have saved, held yard sales, bakes sales, searched for grants and government funding, so believe me they are putting effort into this.

what can you do to help "bring Kate home"? (yes, they've named her in faith that she will soon be a part of their lovely family.) there are lots of fun ways!

-you can make a donation through paypal, there is a link on the blog

-you can buy something from these etsy shops:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/makemineblue
http://www.etsy.com/shop/eagerhands

both of these shops are giving a % of proceeds to the thompson adoption fund (i've purchased from eagerhands before and let me tell you, her stuff is TOP NOTCH!!!). get your Christmas shopping done AND support a good cause!

-you can buy a bag of coffee from:
http://justlovecoffee.com/thethompsons8

all proceeds fund the thompson adoption, how cool is that?!

feel free to email me with any questions, if you have them. i hope you are able to support this family in some small or big way.

thanks for reading!

forehead update

2010-12-05T17:08:00.004-05:00

hey leah, these are for you (and others interested in my new forehead fringe)

(people always look so sad in before photos, thought i'd follow suit)
hello bangs.
i could wear them down, but i'm not that brave yet :)

waiting/advent

2010-11-30T14:57:00.003-05:00

it is no secret that matt and i are rob bell followers. he has inspired us, taught us and encouraged us time and time again. he is a pastor in Michigan and is the dude talking to you in the NOOMA videos (if you've seen them). matt got to meet him and share a meal with him when he worked on set for the NOOMA video "rhythm." Anyway, I just read an article by rob about advent and wow. just, wow. i'm moved. there is a link below to the article, go read it!
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23640-why-advent

He has a way of starting a sentence that makes me say "YES!" and ending a sentence by making me say "huh?!" Here is an example from the article above: "You want to really live, the kind of living that drains the marrow from every day? Then start by facing your death, your weakness, your smallness. [During Advent] We spend seven weeks facing our death and despair and doubt, entering into it with the fullness of our being—heart, mind, emotions—we leave nothing behind."

Say what?! To really live each day to the fullest I must face my death and weakness? I don't like looking at how small I am. I spend most of my time thinking I'm pretty important and strong. 'Why wasn't I invited?' 'Why didn't she call me?' 'How could they treat me like that?' 'Why did God bless her/him and not me?' I obviously think I'm worthy of an invite, a phone call, God's blessing, respect and honor. But, am I? I'm weak. I'm small. I have a lot of doubts. I am but a vapor. I am only worthy of such things because He lives in me, I have done nothing to earn favor. [please note that this is not an invitation to self-hatred, rather honest humility]

During advent this year, as we wait for the birth of Jesus, I need to be reminded of my smallness and God's bigness! I am thankful for this season of waiting. As I type that I am encouraged that this is only a season. Matt and I are in a season of waiting, but just like the church during advent, this is only a season. I am tyring to enjoy the season of waiting rather than wish it away. Advent is one of my favorite seasons! The lights, the decorations, the preparations being made! The community, the love, the music, the weather! I love all of it and we do it all for Christ. We are waiting and celebrating in our waiting. In my season of waiting, I hope to celebrate and enjoy what is on its way.

before and after dresser

2010-11-24T18:39:00.006-05:00

thanks for all of your input on what to do with the dresser! i fixed it up last weekend (and put the finishing touches on today) with the help of my sweet hubs, he did a lot of the painting. the before picture is above. see how ugly the knobs and color were (sorry about the cell phone pics)?! ew. i'm so glad they are gone!

yay for a fresh coat of pretty pain and some new (inexpensive) knobs! the distressed look didn't turn out the same as the picture, but in real life it looks more distressed than this picture.

all set up with mirror and jewelry boxes. thanks again for your help!

a hairy risk

2010-11-18T16:43:00.006-05:00

i'm turning to you once again, bleeples. i'm getting a hair cut (trim) next week and i've been looking for a new style. i've already decided to grow my hair out because i miss my long locks, but i'm thinking of adding... yes you've guessed it... BANGS! there are some really cute ladies out there sporting the thick bangs these days and i'm wondering if i can pull them off? i haven't had bangs since...4th grade so i'm nervous!

zooey deschanel makes them looks so good:

as does alexis bledel:

but what if mine turn out like this:

what do you think? should i go for it despite the hairy risk? i don't want to have to purchase aqua net and wear puffy sleeves just to make a new hair-do work. bangs or no bangs?

vairous thoughts

2010-11-17T15:41:00.009-05:00

thank you blepples for your input! the winning DIY-dresser is #1 -- the dry brush dresser. I hope to work on this this weekend (or thanksgiving weekend). I'll make sure to take before and after pictures for your viewing pleasure.

i've been searching http://www.etsy.com/ for some cute knobs to dress up the dresser!

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in other news, matt has been out of town since monday so i've been missing him.

i've been feeling really restless, a little lost. i'm in a waiting period, which isn't easy, but i feel that i'm learning from it. the ups and downs of waiting are intense lately. one moment i'm overflowing with thankfulness and hopes of new possibilities. the next moment, i'm doubting everything.

doing it myself

2010-11-11T12:49:00.004-05:00

DIY projects have always terrified me, but the more i read design blogs, the more i realize i need to get over my fear! my dresser is in serious need of a makeover. i don't have a picture (you should thank me for this), but i can describe it to you. it is an orange-ish-brown wood dresser with 6 drawers. it has the most hideous wood hardware. so i need your help, all you lovers of beautiful things. i can do 1 of 2 things, help me decide wont you?

1- dry-brush painting: in this case i would purchase a light grayish color to produce the best outcome. this technique would give the dresser an antique look. here is an example (from http://www.designsponge.com/)

2-i could go do a bright color : think teal or red, green or orange even. see this example (also from design sponge)

Our bedroom is a work-in-progress. we are in serious need (okay want) of new nightstands. I am using a small (2-shelf) bookcase, which is cluttered with books i am reading or hope to read in the near future (Infinite Jest is on this bookcase... I don't think I should be sleeping next to this intimidatingly long book). We don't really have defined theme colors. Our comforter is white, we have different color sheets that we cycle through. So the sky's the limit! I have read that soft, subdued colors are best for bedrooms since they are calming colors.

so let me know what you think, bloggies! :) thanks for reading!

happy homemaking

2010-11-03T12:42:00.005-04:00

like many working women, i consider myself a part time homemaker. 35-40 hours of my week are spent at the office, the rest of my time is spent at home or out in this beautiful world that we live in. there are two thing that i am so thankful for, they are helpful and easy to navigate as a working homemaker.

first, TCOYF....that's right ladies, it's time to Take Charge Of Your Fertility! this book has brought me so much knowledge about my own body. i started the FAM (fertility awareness method) about 6 months before matt and i got married and i've been using it ever since (big ups to laura who introduced me to TCOYF). no surprise pregnancies (though we've had a few scares) and NO SIDE EFFECTS (unlike other birth control methods/medicine). it is all natural and never interrupts your body's natural changes throughout the month. i think every woman, even those who have no plans to marry or have children, needs to read this book. the way a woman's body works is fascinating. i was so ignorant about my body before reading this book. i am currently putting TCOYF to the test, matt and i are officially trying to conceive a little nunn! i'm nervous and excited. so either TCOYF has really worked in preventing pregnancy these past 2 years or we have fertility issues (we're praying against infertility, please join us in that). so go check out http://www.tcoyf.com/ and buy the book! you can now chart your cycle online!

second, for money management we started using http://www.mint.com/ back in April. So far, so good! i am such a nerd for charts and graphs, this website breaks it all down for you. matt and i have really been able to get a handle on our household budget by using this program. and guess what... it's free! some people probably aren't very keen on the idea of putting that much information about their banks/accounts online, but it is very safe and matt and i do most of our banking online anyway.

nyc travels

2010-10-21T08:47:00.018-04:00

going to new york city with matt was a dream, he is such a great travel companion. he is calm, cool and collected even in stressful situations. we didn't get to see all of the city because it is so stinking huge and because our feet hurt so bad after day 2 that we did not have the energy to make it down to brooklyn, the statue of liberty or ellis island. because we have friends who live in the city, we did get to do some cool nyc local stuff though. we went to an underground improv theater to see a show (for free!), it was hilarious and there were only about 35 people there, which is tiny for nyc. we also were spontaneously taken to the top of a new hotel in midtown to see sweeping views of the city at night (sorry no pictures of this, but it was awesome). we saw alec baldwin in what quickly became a favorite resting spot for us (71 irving place coffee and tea bar), where we seemed to be the only tourists drooling over our apple crisp and espresso. oh an words can not describe how amazing it is to see the fingerprints of van gough on a framed canvas 2 feet in front of your face. if you haven't experienced this, you must (i did not take pictures of any work inside of the met except the one of me in the ancient egyptian room. i can't stand when people take a picture of every single famous piece of art they see in a museum. matt jokingly suggested that we take pictures of the people taking picture to demonstrate how annoying and rude it is.)

and the food...oh the food. i think i have some pictures of food on my next roll of film...but alas, we will have to wait to view those. we had some delicious local beer at brickyard in midtown (go there!) and of course gray's papaya hot dogs. they were so good, i had 2 (but regretted this decision later). we went a bunch of "you've got mail" spots in the upper west side where we stayed. cafe lalo was so delicious, even though it was packed (this is the spot where meg ryan and tom hanks meet up for the first time in the movie). i could go on and on about the trip, but i won't. enjoy the pictures! i will upload more to my photo blog soon: http://www.foregroundphotos.blogspot.com/

amazing central park trees!

central park was one of our first stops

30 Rock

our friends Steve and Amanda just moved to NYC (east village),

it was great seeing them and their TINY apartment!

the met... i've waited for so long to see the treasures inside of this building (van gough, picasso, pollock, dali, warhol, an amazing ancient egyptian collection, monet, and so much more)

me w/egyptian pharaoh statue... weird fact about me: i have a minor in art history, my favorite type of art is egyptian art followed closely by modern architecture

here we are on the roof garden at the met

the view from the met's roof garden

the special exhibit at the met right now is this crazy project called "big bambu" by doug and mike starn. you could pay an extra amount of $ to up and through this bird house of sorts, it was breath taking

transition and change

2010-10-18T15:18:00.010-04:00

i've been told for many years that i am gifted in the area of leadership and i've gone after that for many years. i've led my fair share of events and groups and i can tell you honestly that during those times of leadership i felt immense pressure and unrest. i felt as though i was trying to be someone that i'm not, trying to be more like each new mentor or leader-figure that came along. the pressure was mostly internal, feeling as though i could not measure up; thinking i would screw someone up, because i'm screw up. i felt claustrophobic and trapped. when this pressure would build and build, i would find ways to rebel and have some peace from it all, which was not good for me or for those i was leading. i would inherit passions and interest from those around me, and now that i'm not leading anyone (and i'm not really being led by anyone either...not like i was in college or IV) i'm left wondering 'what is my passion?' it is a weird place to be, but I am finding peace in this one simple idea that came up in a conversation with a friend:

maybe i am not a leader

maybe this thing that i've been told was true, was true for a season, but that season is coming to an end. my friends who are in on this change have asked some good questions to help me understand and embrace this season & change. what brings you joy? what have you imagined yourself being/doing/living? what do you truly hope for? i've been mulling over these questions and have started to understand/discover some new things about my gifts and passions.

i find joy in helping others; by sharing in & alleviating the burdens of others. that is where my heart comes alive.

i imagine myself living in community with friends/family, helping one another and living life together. i imagine myself as a mother, helping a little one grow and learn and live. i imagine myself supporting my husband's dream to be a successful film director, helping him achieve this goal in whatever way i can.

i hope to soon be a mother; one who is honest and kind, forgiving and repentant. i hope to live intentionally, being mindful of what i purchase (who is effected by my purchases) and what i contribute to the community and global community. i hope to live with an open hand, offering my life to others and to God.

i am flawed and will most likely fail at all of the above, but one can hope and dream and strive to live each moment to the fullest! i can't tell you how much peace i have in letting go of this responsibility of being a leader.

maybe i am a helper

*above photo is a sneak peak at our nyc photos. it was taken with my cell phone camera at riverside park in the upper west side. stayed tuned for more photos from our trip.*

the danger of making plans

2010-09-28T11:06:00.007-04:00

I'm a planner and a visionary, so I spend a lot of time imagining what the future holds for me and Matt. When Matt and I dream together, I invest my heart and hope in the plans we make. Matt and I are different (in many ways, but especially in the area of planning); he plans with me, but he is also more open to a change of plans than I am. I latch onto a plan and move towards it, ignoring any sign, discomfort or distracting that may get in the way. Whereas, Matt pays close attention to the signs, discomfot and distractions; for that I am thankful. If it weren't for him, I would probably miss out on a lot of oppurtunities and I know I would miss seeing the beauty of God working in our midst. For me, the danger of making plans lies in the very fact that they may change. I love Andrew Peterson's lyric that says, "love is a good thing, it will fall like rain on your parade, laugh at the plans that you tried to make, it will wear you down until your heart just breaks and its a good thing." I need to be reminded that when my plans don't line up with Love's plans, they are not good.

Matt and I have recently made some pretty big life plans, but we have both agreed to remain open to a change of plans & follow the Spirit (or as a new friend very wisely told me "follow Peace"). Before these plans are put in motion we are taking a trip to New York City! Neither of us have ever been, but have always wanted to go. We are going to see all of the sights we can squeeze into 4 days, eat as much delicious NYC food as possible, drink lots of coffee & micorbrews, lay on the grass in Central Park and admire the changing leaves. I hear New York is lovely in October, soon I will be able to tell you if that is true.

Make sure you visit my photo blog in November to view our NYC photos! Also, stay tuned here, I'll share more about our big plans in a couple of weeks!

i used to tell stories

2010-09-21T16:09:00.004-04:00

I used to write, a lot. It was a hobby that turned into an art (thank you Michael Parker, though I would never say it to your face, you taught me a lot in Creative Writing: Fiction 101 and 201). I don't know what has happened. Its sad really, I miss it and I wonder where it has gone. Visual art is also fun, I am inspired by photographs and beautiful cinematography, which is why I started taking pictures again (forgroundphotos.blogspot.com). A photograph can tell a story, but words can bring photographs to life. I would love to say that I'm going to be disciplined and start writing again, but I feel as though I say that about a lot of things these days. I'm going to take more photographs and develop more film, I'm going to go to the gym one more day out of the week, I'm going to go to bed earlier, I'm going to take more walks with my husband and dog, I'm going to stop worrying about money & enjoy life, etc. etc. etc. Though I can not promise more of this, I will write a short (very short) story today, little blog audience. I always enjoyed writing imaginative stories involving children and sometimes loss of innocence.
Feel free to leave a note when you're done reading! :)

She turned the front wheel of her upside down bicycle with her hands, running a big magnolia leaf over the spinning tire. "Who's next?" she yelled to the imaginary line of people. Placing the leaf on the ground, she traded it out for a few strands of monkey grass. "Step on up, we're getting ready to close for the day," she yelled.
"Don't close, I want to play" a freckle-faced little girl had been watching the process from afar, wanting to join in but reluctant. "But, what are you doing" she asked quietly.
"Making candy" exclaimed Rebekah, "I've been out here so long, though...look at all of these orders piling up." She pointed to a pile of leaves, berries and bark.
"Candy?"
"Yeah, this is how you make candy."
Rebekah swung her hips around towards her bike and walked Olive through the complicated process of creating candy.
"First, you find the best ingredients you can from you yard, the creek and Miss Shofar's backyard. Wait, you're not going to tell her are you. No you won't. I trust you. What's your name again... then... do you have a bike?
"Yeah, but it has training wheels."
"Ok you bring you bike over here, and flip it so the seat and handlebars hit the ground, like this. You have to turn the pedals with your hand, really fast, if you go too slow the candy will melt and it won't turn out as pretty as mine; and no one will want it!"
"Okay, I think I can do that," Olive said as she laid her bike on its side and flipped it over.
"I guess I can stay open a little longer, now that I have a helper."
Olive stared at Rebekah's dry , worn hands as they turned the pedals faster and faster.
"We'll be open until dark... I mean dinner!" yelled Rebekah at her demanding line of customers.

A New Attitude

2010-09-01T10:42:00.003-04:00

Since leaving InterVarsity staff I've needed an "attitude adjustment" as my mom used to call it. I've looked at this time in my life as a time to get what I want out of life. Every aspect of life has been lived rather selfishly since Christmas. All of my new year's resolutions had to to with bettering myself and my life. I have had moments of selflessness, sometimes out of guilt and sometimes out of love, but most of my thoughts have been about me. This, my friends, is tiring. It is more tiring than serving and loving others, working for the good of my husband, family, friends and strangers in need. Because of this selfish living I have reverted back to insecurity, which has lead to cockiness (which is weird to say, but the more insecure I become the more I feel the need to prove myself in relationships). Sometimes I hear myself in conversation and I almost cringe, then I think 'why is this person even my friend?!'

I'm sorry to all of you who have been on the receiving end of this. Thank you for sticking with me. I am working on it, the first step is recognizing it, right?

I had surgery about 5 weeks ago and was incredibly helpless, I couldn't get out of bed or use the restroom alone for about a week. I had to rely on my loved ones for a lot, and they served me and helped me through that time. When someone has to help you go to the bathroom, you are humbled--- your pride literally goes down the drain. But, I am thankful for that because it really opened my heart to the work that God wanted to do in me.

During church this past Sunday, the Spirit really wrecked me. He gently made me realize how prideful and insecure I've been. He gently reminded me that He has called me to live a life of humility and that I have been inviting myself to sit at the head of the table (Luke 14:7-11). "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled and everyone who humbles himself will be exalted" (Luke 14:11). On Sunday, I was humbled (again...seems like I need to learn this lesson a lot).

This new gift of humility lead to a great conversation with my husband. We discussed purpose of friendship. After a lot of digging we both realized that we have been seeking out friendships that will fulfill us and serve us; that is where our thoughts on friendship stopped. We have not considered how we might be able to serve our friends, how we might be able to speak into someones life, how we might be able to help a friend in need, how we might be healing agents. We were able to repent together and decided to change this pattern. In our friendships, old and new, we want to be Christ-like. We want to be humble and loving, serving our friends and enjoying their company.

In my own journey, the Lord has blessed me with a new attitude. He has really opened my eyes to the joy that can come in living with purpose and intention in my job, relationships and in how I spend my free time. I sincerely thank those of you who have continued to pursue me and love me, even though I've been selfish and proud.

My new mantra comes from Proverbs 13:7

A pretentious, showy life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a full life.

5 Steps to Apathy

2010-07-21T10:09:00.003-04:00

I recently read an interesting article by Don Miller (one of my favorite writers, he is a wordsmith for sure), he discusses our tendency to break down the gospel into 4 or 5 simple bullet points, concise and clear for anyone to grasp. In going through training for ministry 2 summers ago, we had session on evangelism in which a very loud, in your face preacher-type took the stage (at this point I already read this dude's book and didn't like it, so I wasn't very excited about hearing him speak). He taught the simple steps to explaining the gospel... man is a sinner, man must realize he is a sinner & in need of a saviour, man asks God for help, man is saved by Christ's death on the cross. TAH-DAH! SALVATION! apathy

Lots of us post-modern campus ministers-in-training had questions and concerns about how easy he made this look. [Please note that I am not angry with this guy, he has done a lot of good kingdom work and the bridge diagram works for some people.] I feel I have always struggled with this type of evangelism, this non-relational evangelism. When we deliver a 5-step path to Jesus, then walk away, we are not building relationships with people. Our training never included follow-up discipleship, only line delivery.

This is what Don Miller has to say about this: "if you think about it, a person has a more difficult time explaining romantic love, for instance, or beauty, or the Trinity, than the gospel of Jesus. John opens his gospel by presenting the idea that God is the Word and Jesus is the Word and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Not exactly bullet points for easy consumption. Perhaps our reduction of these ideas has caused us to miss something." The Scriptures do not spell out the truth for us simply, rather truths are explained through story, relationships, reconciliation, imagery; essentially through the lives of those who came before us--how they experienced God's intervention in their life. It was never easy for these people-- look at Jacob and Esau, Abraham and Sarah, Hosea & Gomer, Joseph and his brothers, Peter, Paul...the list goes on. If you follow these people, they have ups and downs in their relationships with the Lord. They believe most of the time, but other times they deny their faith, they struggle with God--because He is mysterious and beyond our understanding.

He is present and strong, but other times harder to sense. He is judgement, but other times grace. He is holy & majestic, but was born in a manger. He is a king, but was born to an unwed woman and her Shepherd fiancee. How can such a complex God and relationship be explained in 5 points? We've turned something that was meant to be lived and experienced into a ticket to heaven. And when I'm in the valley, questioning my faith & relationship with God (or not thinking about it at all), I just think "well, I'm going to heaven, we can figure it out then." I fall into those 5 points and avoid God's call to reconcile. Following a guideline is much easier than building a relationship, once I finish the 5 steps I can rest (for a while) in apathy.

Morning Music

2010-07-08T14:48:00.000-04:00

Morning Drive music is incredibly important to me. This song popped up on my shuffle yesterday morning and I really enjoyed it... I've heard it before, but for some reason it was great yesterday. Hope you enjoy it as much as me!

Pics

2010-07-02T10:25:00.003-04:00

I had to upload these sweet picture of Knox. He is such a happy baby! Ellen's friend Jenny is a photographer and took these (and many more) picture of Knox. Enjoy!

Auntie Mary

2010-06-30T12:41:00.002-04:00

This is my nephew, Knox Keane Graham. He is perfect and precious and I will love him forever! He was born on June 25th at 11:07am, 7lbs13oz. It was such a blessing to be present during Ellen's labor, I was amazed at how calm and focused she was. Ellen is not know for being calm, her nickname is "Yellin' Ellen" for a reason. Being a mother took over, I've never seen someone change in an instant like that. It was mysterious, beautiful and confusing all at the same time.

I was able to stay in the delivery room with her until it was time to deliver...oh how I wish I could have stayed (sort-of...part of me was kind of scared...I'm not so good with blood), but alas I had to depart just as she was giving her first push. She told me after that as little Knox was emerging the doctor said "Ellen, look down here" and she said "I don't want to!" Haha, she didn't realize that he was already half way out, she didn't want to see the blood either.

Bah Hump Day

2010-06-24T11:27:00.003-04:00

I've started to notice a pattern and I'm looking for some feedback/help from you wonderful people on how to break this pattern. On a week to week basis I ride an emotional roller coaster, it seems. Most of the ups and down are contained inside of me throughout the day. Here is what a typical week looks like:

Sunday is filled with community, worship and rest. I usually feel encouraged in my spiritual journey, filled with joy and ready to start a fresh week.
Monday begins with the continued thought from Sunday: this is a brand new week, live it with passion, love and peace. I usually end Monday's feeling really tired and hungry for Friday.
Tuesday I have my violin lesson, which means I have something to look forward to! But, it also means a really full day and not much time to spend with Matt or anyone else. I go to bed feeling lonely (and depending on how I did at my lesson, discouraged or encouraged).
Wednesday is called hump day for a reason. I can never seem to get over the hump. I get stuck in a low place. I allow myself to hear my negative thoughts all day long, it kind of takes over. When I get to my yoga class on Wednesday evening I breath and let all of my thoughts melt away, which feels like its too little too late.
Thursday I feel stupid and ashamed for letting myself waste another Wednesday. I wake up with a new outlook---saying to myself "Don't waste this day!" I usually have something to look forward to on Thursdays as well, since Matt and I have deemed Thursday our week night of community. We plan to have friends over or go play with friends after work.
Friday... WOO HOO, sums up how I feel. I'm more than ready to hit the weekend--have fun and relax with friends and family.
Saturday I spend with Matt and others. I try not to sleep past 9 on Saturdays, when I do I feel that I've wasted a perfectly good day off. So I usually go to the market, exercise, read and hang out with people.

So really, the end of Tuesday and Wednesday are rough. Being conscious of these days helps, but I need a little something to lift me up on those days. Any suggestions? I want to do more than just "make it through the work week."

Speaking Musician

2010-06-04T11:25:00.004-04:00

For our 1 year anniversary, Matt gave me a violin. I recently started taking lessons (I now have 3.5 lessons under my belt); I can play "Oh Susanna" in 3 different keys and 2 scales! Ive dreamed about playing fiddle for years and it is wonderful to be working towards that. I tell Matt a lot that I dream about playing and singing to a full house at the Neighborhood Theater (a local venue here in Charlotte). Since I taught myself how to play guitar, I never learned the names (or sounds) or different keys or notes and I only learned one scale. I've never felt confident around other musicians because I never really knew what they were talking about! I am confident in my singing, but I never really got to the level I wanted to be at with guitar. I can play enough chords to get by, but after that I'm spent. I would much rather sing harmonies and play the tambourine. I told my violin teacher about my guitar dilemma, so he began speaking musician to me. He called out a note name "D" "G#" "high A" and I'd play it! Its wonderful to be able to do that and I'm thankful that he is teaching me how to hear new things.
Like guitar I'm struggling to learn rhythm on violin. But, hopefully I'll pick it up along the way.

The Well of Hope

2010-05-27T09:53:00.003-04:00

Matt and I officially joined our church here in Charlotte. The Well of Hope is a Lutheran church with which Matt and I have a rich history. The well is a coffee house by day (and by Saturday night) and a church on Sundays and Wednesday evenings. When Matt and I were dating we would go to this coffee house a lot, because it was really close to his apartment and we would always ending having great conversations with the barista and pastor if he was there. When we lived in Charlotte before we always went to other churches, but spent more time hanging out at The Well and with people from The Well. At the same time, we never felt pressured to attend The Well for church. We broke up there, we got back together there, we had our rehearsal dinner there, the barista was in our wedding... so when we moved back to Charlotte, it felt natural to start going to church there. We've been regularly attending The Well on Sundays ever since. We went into each Sunday without the agenda of finding a church home, we felt free to just be there. We joined the worship team and began talking with the pastor about joining. This past Sunday we did and it was great! (The church is kind of free flowing, the pastor A couple of days later I realized that since becoming a Christian in 2004 I've never officially joined a church. I always wanted to join Spring Garden in Greensboro, but it was never the right time and I never knew if I was going to end up living in Greensboro or not. Committing to one community like this is scary, but exciting! They've really embraced us at The Well, I look forward to growing with and in the community. I feel like this is a step in the direction of new friendships and relationships. Pray for me as I learn how to be transparent and real in this new community.

The (Un)Comfort(able) Zone of Independence

2010-05-21T14:19:00.006-04:00

I had a dear friend and mentor ask me today, "where has this independence come from?" We talk sporadically, check in on one another, keep in touch; so for him my independence and, lets just call it what it is---self dependence, is out of character. Not for me though, I could see it coming from miles away. As soon as we found out that we were leaving Greensboro, I went into my independent (un)comfort zone, my "I can take care of myself" philosophy took over. It is self-protection really, self-preservation and it has nothing to do with anyone but me. I choose to keep people at arms-length and to keep things on the surface level with new friends. I remember attending a conference years back called "Freedom in Dependence." That phrase always stuck with me, true freedom does come when cast ourselves upon the Lord and upon one another, when we depend on one another. It has been a long time since I've rested the weight of my soul on anyone but myself. And I'm beginning to think that I'm not strong enough to bear this weight.

I wrote my last post in the wake of a tragic event, in a moment of vulnerability when it seemed like hope will be restored. Now, a month later, I'm not sure what to do. I need help, friends.

Does anyone out there have any book suggestions? I am currently not reading Scripture, so please feel free to suggest a book of the Bible (if you do so, you should know that I hear the Lord better through story and illustration rather than Epistles). I need something that can help me reconnect with community and the Holy Spirit.

Go!

I'm Proud of the Person You're Becoming-- Yes YOU, Reader

2010-04-19T11:05:00.005-04:00

Life is an incredibly precious thing. I seem to only realize this when it appears to be too late. But, this time I've been given a second chance.

I don't tell the people that I love and adore, that I love and adore them. I want to make sure that my dear friends and family members know that I'm proud of who they are and the people they are becoming as they move through life. Why is it so hard for me to praise my loved ones simply for being alive? My pride, my pride gets in the way. To admire or adore another is to admit that you are in need or his/her life, which from a worldly point of view shows weakness. Well, I don't give a shit anymore, I need my husband and family. I need my friends. I need my Mommy and Daddy. I don't want to care what people think anymore, I just want to be able to share my heart freely and be me.

Unplanned and Deeply Enjoyed

2010-04-13T16:19:00.003-04:00

I remember posting a while back about Rhythm and routine and how my body and mind need such things. I believe I've finally received this precious gift; and another beautiful gift that comes along with it---breaking a routine! There is room for improvement on how I use the time in my life's rhythm, so I'm still learning.

I now have a full-time, steady job gosh-darn it! I thought it might never happen; I know that many of you out there know how I feel. I've been working for my Dad's company since February. My Dad has owned his own business for the past 5 years, I remember how tight things were financially for our family when he decided to start the company. It is a small, local business made up of only 13 employees. I LOVE this about the company, the people are great and its easy to get to know them. I am the account manager (not-in-training anymore as of April 1st), meaning basically that I keep the books. I make sure employees are paid, bills are paid, payments are received and I maintain the records of each transaction. Its a lot of responsibility and its challenging (in a good way). I was planning to go back to school (actually, I had already been accepted and paid an enrollment fee), but I realized (after visiting a doctor and talking with my husband) that I needed health insurance/a job that would provide health insurance so that I can get needed surgery in the coming year.

I was disappointed and felt like I wasn't being true to myself by accepting this job and not going to art school. Matt, of course, pointed out to me that this job does encompass a lot of who I am. I am organized, I like to keep record of things (make lists, track money), I like having a consistent schedule and routine. To say that I am not those things is to deny who I truly am. So I am embracing the nerdy, organized, clean, numbers person that I am. This in no way means that I am not creative. I think I used to believe that if someone was a numbers person they were not creative. That is just silliness; musicians have to keep time, do they not? By not going to school and accepting this job I also felt like I was "selling out." For a long time full-time, 'normal' jobs meant boring, predictable, dead-end life. Now that I'm living this life, I see how much of a lie that is and I apologize to all of those I judged for having a full-time "normal" job. Getting off work at 5 everyday and having the weekends free has given me time to pursue new hobbies, serve and live in community with new and old friends.

So my new daily life has is routine, but I get to break that routine with yoga classes, violin lessons, dinner with friends, coffee with Matt, evening walks with my little family, travelling, bike rides, reading books in the park, etc. All activities decided upon in the moment, unplanned and deeply enjoyed.

I Want to be a Better World Shopper

2010-01-15T14:28:00.003-05:00

Money is power and wherever large amounts of money collect, so also new centers of power form. This year one of my new years resolutions (don't roll your eyes!) is to be a more socially responsible consumer. This book has encouraged me to vote with my wallet and it has also done the grueling research for me! The Better World Shopping Guide by Ellis Jones provides people with a comprehensive, up-to-date reliable account socially and environmentally responsible companies (everything from food, retail stores, pet products to airlines, gas companies and yes even feminine products!).

It fits in my purse, therefore I can pull it out and look up what I am about to buy (did children make this product for me? what is my money really paying for?). Check out http://www.betterworldshopper.com/ for more information! The book is only $10 (a small price to pay for global impact)!

The photo to the right shows the 5 key issues that the book focuses on.

Wind

2010-01-07T16:42:00.002-05:00

I am currently reading "Red Moon Rising" by Pete Greig and Dave Roberts, it is the story of the 24/7 prayer movement which started in 1999 in England and has since taken root in more than 50 countries. I just started the book so I am still reading about Pete Greig's crazy journey. So far, he has really inspired me and his words have calmed my stirring soul. I've been quite restless for quite a while-- unsure of my 'calling', unsure of what path to pursue, feeling as if I need to have the rest of my life figured out. Pete and his wife Sammie lived in a small town south of London where he had a full-time job as a pastor and a son. There life was pretty good; it was safe, comfortable, they had everything they needed or wanted. But, there was no risk and this caused the Greigs to feel uncomfortable! "There is no risk left and I am scared of settling for this" he says on page 25. I LOVE that! I spend a lot of time fantasizing about stability and hoping for comfort and ease.

Several people have laughed (and I along with them) at the fact that Matt and I have already lived in 3 cities in the year and a half that we've been married. We have yet to really "settle down" as many may call it. Some people joke that we are on a rotation between North Carolinian cities or "still in that nomadic phase." Is it so unusual that we've moved so many times (we are getting ready to move again... not to another city, just another apartment)? I don't really know since I haven't known otherwise. I don't think Matt and I are supposed to live a life without risk or uncertainty. I know that I absolutely do not want each day to be predictable! So I think its time for me to say goodbye to the fantasy of comfort and ease, I'm not sure if its all that its cracked up to be anyway.

God has already been working through me in this, I think and I'm starting to catch up. When Matt and I finished moving our things into a storage unit in Charlotte, we closed the unit door and I looked at Matt and said, "I wouldn't be so sad if we didn't have any of these things anymore." And he said, "me neither, there are probably plenty of people who could use a lot of this stuff, too." So we set out to give some of our things away. A couch, a few tables, the furniture that we've been blessed to own. We were challenged at church the following Sunday to give our favorite things away. The pastor admitted that he found the jacket he was wearing while he spoke to us--- and that he was unwilling to give it away to someone who may not have a jacket at all (while he has at least 3 more at home). He challenged us to give extravagantly-- to live as if this is not our permanent home, because guess what... its NOT! We hoard our things and take whatever we can. First in line on Black Friday to get the best deals? Skipping people in line at the coffee shop? Ew. I really don't want to live that way. I want to stop grasping for my idea of blessing. Even typing that causes me to breath a sigh of relief.

Release your tight grip, Mary--- you are already blessed!

I know that I am born of the Spirit and Jesus told Nicodemus, "the wind blows wherever it pleases . You hear its sound, but you can not tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." [John 3:8] I spend a lot of time wanting to know where I've come from and where I'm going-- but the Spirit who lives in me is wild, He is unpredictable and wants to carry me with Him--- wherever He pleases [ahh that is kind-of scary, but exciting].

So I'm living with an open hand. God has put some crazy ideas in my head lately, some really nonsensical, unreasonable options are rearing their beautiful heads. I'm not really sure which way to go right now and trying not to have a plan B (the just in case God doesn't show up plan).

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
[phew!]

2009-12-11T13:24:00.001-05:00

A wonderful friend just sent me this poem. I hope to embody the spirit of this poem this Christmas season.

Mary's Song
by Luci Shaw

Blue homespun and the bend of my breast
keep warm this small hot naked star
fallen to my arms. (Rest …
you who have had so far to come.)
Now nearness satisfies
the body of God sweetly. Quiet he lies
whose vigor hurled a universe. He sleeps
whose eyelids have not closed before.
His breath (so slight it seems
no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps
to sprout a world. Charmed by doves' voices,
the whisper of straw, he dreams,
hearing no music from his other spheres.
Breath, mouth, ears, eyes
he is curtailed who overflowed all skies,
all years. Older than eternity, now he
is new. Now native to earth as I am, nailed
to my poor planet, caught
that I might be free, blind in my womb
to know my darkness ended,
brought to this birth for me to be new-born,
and for him to see me mended
I must see him torn.

The Free Will Conundrum

2009-09-22T18:35:00.002-04:00

God is gently leading me to believe and understand how much he loves me. He is teaching me how to let go, how to stop trying to control everything. Today (for the first time in many years) Oswald Chambers spoke into my life (through My Utmost for His Highest) and he said, "Having a Master and a Teacher means having someone who has made me secure in the knowledge that he has met and solved all the doubts, uncertainties and problems in my mind. Our Lord never takes measures to make me do what He wants. Sometimes I wish God would make me do what He wants, but He will not. And other times I wish He would leave me alone, and He does not."

I have been struggling lately with free will, like Chambers I wish God would make me do His will. Its so hard to stumble upon it, which is what I feel like I'm doing most of the time. Matt continually reminds me that I am in His will because I am in Him. I can not live outside of God's will unless I live life apart from Him (is that even possible?). There once was a foam ball covered with coffee beans, a man used it to teach me and Matt about the will of God. He picked it up and said, "Say this is God's will, whether you choose to live on this coffee bean, or this one, or this one, you are still on God's will. You can't choose the wrong coffee bean, it just impossible." Matt and I always bring this illustration to each other's minds when we are making life decisions.

All this to say, God is reminding me that I am secure because I am His daughter, He has met and solved all of the doubts and uncertainties in my mind.

A Wearisome Task

2009-09-01T10:02:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been really confused, confused about where I am, why I am here, what I am doing. There have been things leading up to this, I think, but now that they've come back up, I wish I would have dealt with this before. I feel a little betrayed, lost really.

I hung out with 2 dear friends last night, both of whom I really admire. My first friend was a wonderful listener, she let me vent, she also encouraged me to do something about it. I know she is praying for me today. My second friend called me in a moment of confusion, much like my own. We talked, walked up and down Tate St. and prayed for about an hour. She listened to me, as well and confirmed my feelings and thoughts (it helps to know that I'm not crazy or unrealistic).

I feel like David when he wrote Psalm 73:
But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end... when my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you... NEVERTHELESS, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand, you guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory... My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I think I am still looking at understanding all of this as a wearisome task.

Family

2009-08-26T20:55:00.005-04:00

My present and My future:

I am thankful for Matt. He is really a great husband, he knows me better than anyone. I can't believe we've known each other for 6 years and have been married for 1 year! I think I am still learning a lot about who he is, I hope to continue to be open to getting to know him... for the rest of my life. I realize (now that he is out of town for a while for work) how dependent I've become, I'm not sure if this is bad, I think it is just marriage.

We are enjoying being married and we have a new addition to our little family... Marla Singer Nunn (she isn't a police dog, she just wears this badge for fun sometimes) :

When the Future Arrives

2009-07-20T10:13:00.003-04:00

I simply will not be content, I've been taught to be restless and to always be looking at the future. I've never been told or shown what to do when the future arrives. We are constantly told to plan for the next phase of our lives. Where will you attend college? For what purpose? What will you study? Where will you work after you graduate? Who will you marry? How many kids will you have? How much money should you have saved? Where will you live? When will you buy a house? What career do you want?

I feel like I've been planning my whole life for where I am today. But, today is here and now I am restless and looking for the next thing to plan. I have a wonderful husband and a new career, a place to live and a community to live life with. Here I am, in the future! Why am I wondering, "Now What?"

St. Paul wrote a letter to a church in Philippi, it is in this letter that he says he has found the secret to being content. Whether he is rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, he learned to be content in every moment of life. What is this secret? My soul is restless and constantly looking for the next thing all the while I'm missing the moment I'm in! This precious secret that Paul clung to has now been slapped on bumper stickers, screened onto T-shirts, hats, sweat shirts and printed onto greeting cards. The secret to being content is a personal victory that Paul learned from being in relationship with God. Paul can only be content at all times because he can do all things through Christ, who strengthens him. (Philippians 4:10-20) My cure for being restless and fearful is to stop and look for God's fingerprints-- to look for evidence of His faithfulness. He faithfully brought me to Greensboro, He provided over $25000 from generous brothers and sisters, He blessed our time in Asheville and brought me and Matt together in marriage after 5 years of dating. It is so refreshing to stop and rejoice, to breath and give thanks.
He is faithful, this can no longer be a trite phrase used to lift my spirits.
He is faithful, this is not just another cheer in an internal pep rally.
He is faithful, He has proven His faithfulness and when I stop and look for it--- I see it!
His is faithful, this is truth.

Hi, I'm Mary and I am a People Pleaser

2009-06-23T14:55:00.002-04:00

I am trying to come out of the closet here, I'm tired of hiding, so I'm going to lay it all out and try to let go. This is what I am currently being called to. I think God really knows me because He continually calls me to do things that are really challenging. This may not seem like a sign of His knowing me, but I find that my closest friends are always those who challenge me to grow and change and morph into the person that I could be. Its like these people look at me and see me, but they also have a vision for the person I could be. God does this too and I'm starting to think that its pretty beautiful.

Since coming on InterVarsity staff, when I run into someone who wants to catch up, I'm always asked this question that I've come to dread, "So, what are you doing now?" There is this little fearful people pleaser inside of me who says "NO DON'T TELL THEM, THEY WON'T ACCEPT YOU, YOU WON'T BE RESPECTED OR LIKED!" So I usually dance around the question and ask the question asker about their life (and since we are all self-absorbed, people will usually go on and on for a while, until it is time for one of us to walk away). So this annoying little, insecure voice in my head (me) doesn't want people to know that I work for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. I don't want people to know that I love Jesus, I don't want people to know that my job is to be a witness and build communities of witnessing students at UNCG (is this ironic or what?!), I don't want people to know that I'm a Christian because I am afraid that I will not be liked. I am also tired of explaining what I do and then being asked "so what do you want to do as a job?" Once I walk away from these conversations where I hide myself from people, the shame kicks in. This is the vicious cycle that I live in and it is really tiring. I am tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not.

I thought that I learned so much about freedom and living in the freedom of Christ in Asheville, but now that I'm back in Greensboro I wonder where those lessons have gone. The only thing that brings me comfort in my insecurity is knowing that I am truly and deeply known by God (see Psalm 139 below). So whether or not I hide that from people, I am known and I am loved by God. At church on Sunday Tim said something that keeps being repeated in my head. He said, "God loves you because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because that is just the way He is." God hasn't stopped loving me for being ashamed of who I am, I have to remind myself of that because the enemy will twist this around and run with it if I let him. God has not stopped loving me and I can not hide from Him, so He knows that deep down I love Him. I just need to figure out how to be free in my love for Him.

So here I am people, I LOVE JESUS and I'm trying to let you all know that. Psalm 139 has brought me so much comfort as I've struggled with this.

Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,10even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Roles and Relationships

2009-04-21T17:41:00.002-04:00

I recently finished the "controversial issues" module of my Intern Study Program, the topic I chose/Doug chose for me, was women in ministry and church leadership. I spent a month reading about/writing about/ interviewing local debaters about this topic. I feel very educated on the topic and could confidently hold my own in a debate, but I don't know if I would want to because I feel it would defeat the purpose of my thesis on the matter, which is UNITY. During this module of my study program I found my mind becoming consumed with the differing arguments. The more I heard the complimentarian side (who believe that women should not lead in the church) of the debate, the angrier I became. Yet, I became annoyed with the egalitarian side (who believe that men and women can both lead in the church) of the debate as well. I could not choose a side and I felt the need to.

To take my mind off the debate, I decided to read a "fun" book on the side. I searched Barnes and Nobles for a couple of hours (one of my most favorite things to do) and settled on The Shack by William Paul Young. To read this fictional novel along side the debate about women in the church was amazing because The Shack explores the relationship that exists between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit in such a unique way... it really opened my eyes and allowed me to see how much our view of the Trinity can affect how we view the relationship between men and women/ husbands and wives. Here is a quote from the book that has affected me greatly (this is God speaking to the main character), "We have no concept of final authority among us (the Trinity), only unity. We are in a circle of relationships, not a chain of command. What you are seeing here is relationship without any overlay of power." In reading this, I realized that because so many of us see the relationship that exists in God himself as a hierarchy, we look to create that in our relationships here.

So what does this mean? Well, I think I'm still figuring it out. But, one things that has really clicked within me is this: as human beings we were not created to fill roles, we were created to be in relationships with God and with each other. Filling roles is the opposite of being in relationship, to simply fill the definition of mature womanhood that John Piper gives is to defile the gift of relationship. Instead of seeking out my gender role in church or in my marriage, I seek to lift up my husband in the gifts he has been given, I seek to serve the church with the gifts that I've been given. Instead of asking, "what is my role?" I am free to ask "how can I selflessly love and relate to the people around me?" Instead of trying to fit into a man made definition of femininity, I follow the Lord and seek to serve him in relationships by being others-centered rather than self-centered. And instead of trying hard to gain authority over anyone, I am free to humble myself and seek unity. Jesus' last prayer before he is handed over to be crucified is this, "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me" (John 17:20-23).

It seems to me that Jesus was more concerned about our living in unity than our filling specific gender roles. In fact, Jesus' actions greatly upset the gender roles of his day, he was quite revolutionary in the way he loved and pursued women, in the way he built his church upon the testimony of a woman: Mary Magdalene.

I Fell in Love with... The American Dream

2009-03-05T10:21:00.005-05:00

The past couple of weeks have been very revealing and hard. A phone call from my supervisor started it all, two weeks ago I was working on my computer at home and my phone rang. I lost my breath a little when I saw his name on the caller ID, I knew what he was calling to tell me. I needed to make a decision about my immediate future, would I stay on staff or not? The regional leadership team needed to know so they could move forward with placement. My answer was still, "I don't know yet."

Because of my refusal to make a decision, God decided to step in and guide me a bit. I needed it (though at the moment, I didn't really want it). In my heart of hearts I had already decided to leave staff, in my mind I had already gone there. In my mind I was living in Greensboro, I had returned to my church community and friends there. I was working a job that paid a good amount of money (this was a fantasy, see) and I was able to buy the nice things that I wanted. My family suddenly respected me and approved of all I was doing. I was able to spend money on whatever I flippantly desired to because I was living off a well-deserved pay check, rather than donations. My heart had quickly moved on, I thought that I found life in those things. I placed the weight of my soul on those things and I felt that money, the respect and approval of all of the people in my life and more stuff would bring me true life and true freedom. I fell in love with the American dream. (I never thought I would!!!)

When I spoke with my supervisor that day, my world came crumbling down and I saw my American dream fading into the distance. He told me that they would most likely offer me a position at the very school that I longed to be at. [Previous to this phone call, this school was not an option to me] For the next hour or so I threw a temper tantrum, I told God all of the real reasons that I didn't want to go on staff. It sounded a little like this, "I WANT, I WANT, I WANT. MINE, MINE, MINE." I was finally being honest with God, I laid it all out for him. I took the fig leaves off and stood naked before him. He saw me, He saw my sin. I went to the bathroom to blow my nose and looked in the mirror. I, too saw my sin, it was U-G-L-Y. But, this is not where my time with God ended. He didn't see my sin and shame and turn away (as I did when I saw it in the mirror), He embraced me. I felt completely understood by him, like He knew that it was hard to give all of my selfish desires to him. I felt like I was standing there with nothing to give him, but selfishness and He accepted me, He had compassion on me.

This may sound like basic Christianity. I can come to Christ, "Just as I am." Right? For some reason I continually forget that I no longer have to hide from God. That Christ has covered me with his grace, that His cross has already paid for those sins. To sing "Just as I am" and to come to God just as I am are two very different things. It is incredibly hard to admit to God Almighty, the Lord of All, that I am selfish. It is unnerving to approach him when you feel you are going to disappoint him. But, he wasn't disappointed nor was he surprised. He was patient, loving, gentle, kind and merciful towards me in my moment of repentance.

In the story of Hagar and Sari, there is a beautiful moment between Hagar and God. Hagar has run away from Sari and Abram and God sends an Angel to convince her to go back to them. After the angel speaks Hagar she names him, "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me" (Genesis 16:13).

I feel that God has seen me and in return I have seen him.

Knowledge & Experience

2009-02-11T17:32:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I'm so unsure of what to write about sometimes, I am usually thinking through so many different things, it is hard to write about just one thing at a time. But, today I will write about knowledge, or rather the lack there of. It seems to me that often my goal is to attain as much knowledge about whatever I am passionate about at the moment. There is nothing wrong with learning or wanting to understand things better, but I often turn to books upon books upon books for knowledge. I find myself recommending books for other people to read if they mention their interest in something. Again, there is nothing wrong with this, but I've had to ask myself lately what does this say about where I get my knowledge? Where do I find my hope? Is it in books and in how much I can read (and hopefully learn) about God, people, India, food, life, culture, entertainment, travel, knitting, etc.?
Ecclesiastes 12:11-13 (The Message) says this: The words of the wise prod us to live well. They're like nails hammered home, holding life together. They are given by God, the one Shepherd. But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There's no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you're no good for anything else. The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you.

I don't want my constant reading and study to wear me out so that I'm no good for anything else! I want to be able to experience God, people, India, food, life, culture, entertainment, travel, knitting, etc! I want to balance study and reading with experience and listening to those wiser than myself. Sometimes I feel so tired from reading and studying that I don't want to interact with others, that I don't want to experience life and engage those around me.

"So much of life reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" ---You've Got Mail

I am just now realizing that this blog could come off as my tooting my own horn so to speak about how much I read and study things. That is totally not my intention in writing this. It is more to expose my fear of actually living and experiencing the world around me--- I feel that I use reading and studying as something to hide behind. I hope that I have not come across as arrogant or boastful.

A Broken Heart

2009-01-03T18:34:00.003-05:00

I dislike New Years very much, it is supposed to be a big deal, somehow when the clock changes to January 1st we are supposed to feel different, motivated to make this the best year ever. Expectations like these usually bring me down, way down because I expect New Years to be BIG and it usually isn't for me. The clock changes over and things are still the same (bonus: I get to kiss Matt for a while at midnight). Lately, I've been questioning everything, my mind won't rest. I am tired all the time from this, which just causes depression. I am not content here, in this world and I feel it all the time. My heart is longing for more, I just want to be with Jesus.

Shane & Shane sum it up nicely in their song "I Miss You":

It breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are

You know that part in C.S. Lewis' "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" where Lucy sees Aslan in the forest? She sees him, runs to him and tackles him to the ground. She hugs him and rubs her face in his mane. She tells him that she knew he was with them the whole time, talks with him about why she didn't come to him before. He encourages her in her weaknesses and roars to wake the trees. I cry every time I read/see this part of the story.

Waves of Uncertainty

2008-12-20T19:48:00.002-05:00

I'm back in Charlotte for Christmas and it has been wonderful to be back with my family and around many familiar faces. I've missed being known by people. It is tiring to be continually introducing myself to colleagues, fellow Ashvillians, students and people at church. I miss walking into the Green Bean and being recognized by the red bearded barista. I miss being late to things due to running into friends on campus. My beautiful friend Laura always reminds me that all we want (as human beings in general) is to know others and to be known. In my specific situation right now it is taking so long to get there and it is tiring. Most days I give up and just enjoy being with my husband, the one who knows me best.

This slow process has negatively affected me. I find myself becoming so uncertain about many things, but mostly my work. Where there used to be much confidence in this area, there is now uncertainty. When it was just a dream in the making, it seemed so much more glamorous. The biggest difference between this December and last December is community. I had a number of people encouraging me to apply for staff, many great friends and old staff workers egging me on, telling me what a wonderful job I would do. (Many people do still encourage me in this area, through phone or email, but I am a face time type of person.) I realize that I am lacking my support system of encouraging words.

Many times I feel that the work I do is unimportant, and most of the time it feels unproductive. I am used to being productive. I seriously get excited when I have to start writing my papers for my Internship, because I know that there will be a tangible result of my hard work. Whereas, in working with students, sometimes there are results, but I can't see them or hear them. There is not end product, if you will, because I work with the spiritual lives of students, and that is not a product. The most productive part of my job is fundraising, because there is an end result. It just so happens that this is also the part of my job in which I feel most like a failure. Yes, $30,000 has been raised, but I still need to raise $5000 and I've run out of contacts. If I continue on staff my budget will increase next year, meaning I will have to raised at least $5000 more than I did this year. And can I just say for the record, ITS SO STINKING HARD! To add to my feelings of uncertainty and failure, my family sort-of looks down on my asking folks for money.

I've been trying to stop believing the name that I've given myself and hear the name that God has given to me. I'm trying to believe that I am a precious, victorious daughter of God rather than a stubborn failure. But, I can't muster up belief, so Lord help me in my unbelief.

I Left My Heart in India (well I would have if I went)

2008-12-05T18:57:00.005-05:00

Namaste!

I posted in February about my love of India, and I still love India. Over the summer I discovered what is now one of my favorite books, The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and I am now reading (almost finished with) The Hindi-Bindi Club by Monica Pradhan. Both of these books deal with Indian immigrants in our own country and the differences between Indian culture and American culture (there are waaaaay too many to list here). But, never-the-less my love for India has continued on and grows still. Lately, I've been listening to (and swooning over) the music of Aradhna. http://www.aradhnamusic.com/

Here are some photos of India that I've been looking at as of late (courtesy of the NY Times, and Born into Brothels).

The World to Come

2008-11-10T15:50:00.002-05:00

I've been experiencing little moments of complete connectedness, moments where I know there must be a place beyond this one that is made up entirely of these moments. The first moment I will share with you, dear cyberspace, is one that I cling to, but have not shared with many for fear that it will somehow lose its beauty by being exposed to this world. This moment consists of food, friends and colorful plates. About a month ago I visited the gate city, a place that feels like home. While visiting, this moment came upon me without notice, I soaked it up and hoped it would never end, but it did.

We are four friends and we cooked a delicious meal consisting of salad, french cheese, pasta and french wine. We were celebrating (sort-of) the return of two friends from France. We lounged at the table for what must have been three hours, just enjoying the food and conversation. There was no rush to finish the meal and move on to another activity. Our activity was the meal, it was the conversation and in that moment there was nothing else. We talked about our travels, politics (the upcoming election and SNL skits that accompanied it), culture, mutual friends, our desires, God and food. It seems there wasn't a topic we didn't cover. We laughed and joked and simply enjoyed the each other. In these hours together I know I had a glimpse of the world to come and it was lovely.

Another moment came with a room full of strangers and a few close friends. I was enjoying the live music of a favorite band at a local venue, the room was full of activity and sound. Suddenly, the band played the opening chords of a favorite song. The song must be the favorite of many because everyone started dancing and smiling and singing along. I made friendly eye contact with the people around me, nodding and acknowledging the joy of the moment. Thinking about it even now, my body moves with the beat of the song. For a few minuets in time, we were all on the same page.

I've neglected my little blog!

2008-10-14T09:42:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in a while because I've been distracted by fundraising. I traveled almost every weekend in September, made numerous phone calls, wrote emails and letters, met new people and tried my darnedest to raise enough money to get on campus soon. At the beginning of last week, it didn't look like it was going to happen, I had given up in my mind and actually started looking for other jobs! *gasp*
But, then people started responding to my phone calls and emails, I started hearing back from people I had met with months ago. It was so amazing! And now I'm at 74%, just $100 away from my deadline for this week. I am able to start working on campus within the week!
God did things in way that was unexpected and through people who I wouldn't have guessed.

Job 23 really carried me through the past few weeks of uncertainty. One of my donors, a sweet friend, recommended that I read it. And after that I read it every day. Here is an excerpt (vs 12-14) where Job is struggling with the reality of God's presence and will for his life, "I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind."

Job did not walk away from his faith, he was obedient to God, read and believed his word and followed him and therefore doesn't understand why things aren't working out the way he thought they would, why can't he find Him? But, then he remembers who God is, he preaches the gospel to himself essentially. God does what he wants and we can't change him, but what he wants is to complete what he has appointed for me. He wants the best for me and if that means being in this place of uncertainty, then I must trust that it is for good and continue to follow. My best is in His mind.

What do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

2008-09-12T11:19:00.005-04:00

Lately I find myself wondering what it is I really want to do with my life. There, of course, have been recent happenings that have caused me to wonder, but I won't get into the specifics. I'm tired of talking about it, honestly. When I close my eyes and picture myself doing what I love, what is it that I picture? What gets me going? What gets me excited? Do you ever wonder this? When things aren't really going your way, do you wonder if you are going the right way?

My thought have been taken over by these questions. I try to imagine myself working at a bank or teaching in an elementary school. Neither of these things would be bad, but would I be fulfilling a call? There are three jobs that I have wanted in my whole life. When I was little, whenever anyone asked me, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
I would answer a confident, "Mariah Carey."
Yes, that's right folks, I wanted to be Mariah Carey. This later grew into a longing to be a musician. Like many other women (but not all) I've also always wanted to be a Mommy. Lately, when I jog past mothers with strollers at the park, jealousy wells up within me. Moms are doing important work, they are shaping the lives of their children.
And more recently (within the last 4 years) a new, strange desire has come up. This thing of staff working for InterVarsity; it's such a strange job (my family thinks I'm nuts). When I close my eyes and try to imagine doing anything but working for InterVarsity, I am disappointed with myself. All of my gifts and abilities are stretch and grow through this job and when I am able to talk to a potential donor about InterVarsity or attend a student Bible Study, I feel at home. (Now that doesn't mean I am comfortable, it just means there is purpose there.)

Fund raising has been really slow since the wedding and I feel myself starting to give up on this dream of staff working. I am beginning to lose hope, I feel as though I will never be able to raise the remaining funds I need to get on campus and begin my training. It is a daily struggle for me to have faith that God will provide the donors and funds that I need to do the work he has called me to. And daily I bring this honest doubt to him and ask for forgiveness. My mind is consumed by thoughts of doubt and sometimes even back-up plans, in case God doesn't come through for me.

God is Dazzling Us

2008-08-28T16:42:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated in forever, mainly because I got married, went on a honeymoon, then moved to a new city. We don't have Internet at our new apartment yet, so I've been camping out at coffee shops to work and keep in touch with friends and family. I just haven't had time to update the blog, but I do now.

After almost 5 years of dating I finally married the love of my life, Matt Nunn. Our wedding day was everything I hoped for. Most of our friends and family members came and were so happy for us, that is all we ever wanted. The day after the wedding we left for our honeymoon in Sonoma County, California. This was the best honeymoon we could have asked for. The weather was perfect, the people in Northern California are the friendliest I've met, and God showed us from an early start in our relationship that He wants to take care of us.

We stayed in a small town right outside of Napa Valley called Windsor. The second day we were there we decided to go into town (which consisted of a park, some shops, a pub, and a wine bar). We went to the Windsor Wine Shop to eat and try some wine. It was a small little shop so we sat at the bar, the owner started a conversation with us, asking us where we were from. Matt excitedly told him that we were on our honeymoon, having travelled all the way from North Carolina (or "back east" as they call it in California). He sincerely congratulated us, then opened a bottle of champagne and toasted us to the entire shop. Six older couples were sitting at a table behind us, they too started a conversation with us, asking us about the Tar heels and James K Polk. They then proceeded to tell us that their son worked at a vineyard not too far from Windsor and would love to give us a free tour and tastings. They gave us his name and phone number and told us to call him tomorrow. We did and were able to tour a beautiful vineyard and taste numerous, fresh wines. It was amazing. Matt and I were all smiles, just laughing at what had happened. Later, Matt told me that one of the other men from the shop told him to visit a local movie theater, tell them our names and see a movie for free. That is what we did on our last night in Windsor, we saw The Dark Knight for free, thanks to the friendly folks at The Windsor Wine Shop.

After this whirlwind of blessings, I wondered and asked Matt, "Why does God want to bless us? Its not like we need to tour a vineyard or taste fresh wine. We don't need to go see a movie, why would he surprise us with these blessings?"
"He is dazzling us, Mary."
I smiled.
A couple of years back, on some road trip, we listened to a sermon by Donald Miller called "God is Dazzling Us." I don't remember the entire sermon, but I do remember parts of it. A mentor of Don's woke him early in the morning and invited him to take a drive with him, they drove for a couple of hours before they arrived at an overlook at the top of a mountain. The sun was rising as they turned the car off and got out, the sky was turning colors that Donald had never seen, the air was clear and the birds were chirping. His mentor looked over to him and said "God is dazzling us." What do you think of when you see the sun rising or setting, when you lie under a sky full of stars?
The Westminster Catechism asks, "what is the chief end of man?"
The Answer: "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."
I miss this sometimes, I forget to enjoy God, I forget that he wants to bless me. He wants us to enjoy him, to enjoy his creation and to enjoy his blessings.
When my marriage was being toasted in the Windsor wine shop, I didn't think "Oh yes we deserve to be toasted." I was surprised and thankful for the excitement of a stranger. When the table of couples behind us congratulated us and offered their son as a host I didn't think "finally, we deserve something free." I was shocked, I laughed. When the Lord blesses me I have this feeling that I shouldn't be receiving blessings and should feel guilty for having anything at all, but that is not biblical. God does not use his blessings to guilt me or manipulate me, he uses them to point me to himself, to show me his love.
After leaving the wine shop, Matt and I spent the rest of the day in the park thanking God and enjoying His presence.

Investing in the Eternal

2008-08-01T00:13:00.005-04:00

I haven't been able to fall asleep like I normally can this past week, my mind is always racing. I am either thinking about the wedding and what needs to get done in order for it to take place, or fundraising. Sometimes I wonder why I thought it was a good idea to to go on staff and get married at the same time. Two of the biggest decisions of my life, being made at the same time. Right now I have 24% of my budget raised in pledges (and some of that has already been given by generous and loving friends). I am so thankful to those who sacrifice and give generously so that I can be obedient to God's call, but fundraising is hard.

Yes, lets just state the obvious, fundraising is really hard. There is this weird battle that takes place inside of me when I look at the numbers; part of me is disappointed that I don't have more raised, but the other part of me is mad at the first part for not being thankful for the 24% that is raised. I have to make sure that I read over my list of donors (people who are already giving to my ministry) and thank God that they believe in His call on my life. Last week I was really discouraged about fundraising and I just prayed a simple prayer, I said, "God I want to be thankful. Please show me how to be thankful." And I believe that He is working on that, so am I.

I have a reoccurring Epiphany, or realization I guess you could call it. Usually when I am in the shower and my mind is racing, going over my to do list in my head, this wave of reality washes over me and for a moment I am at peace with it. I hear The still, small voice whisper, "financial stability is not the end all, say all. I did not create you to be financially stable." For me, its a hard reality. Ultimately, I know that I want to invest the rest of my life in the eternal, which is probably why I have decided to go on staff and get married at the same time. To be married, to work at that relationship, is to invest in the eternal, and to know God intimately. We are his bride, right? To work as a campus staff with InterVarsity is to work for the kingdom of God, to invest in the eternal.

I am so thankful for where I am in my life right now, while at times it is stressful, it has stretched me in ways that I do not understand yet. I am so excited to finally get to meet the students at UNCA, I can't wait to meet the leadership team, to meet the new freshman, and to start to get the feel for the campus. That is really what drives me to fund raise, it is the light at the end of my fundraising tunnel.

Also...I am marrying my best friend in 8 days!!!!!! And while we have no money, we finally get to be together, after 5 years of dating (3 of those years being long distance) and that is enough for me. When I am with Matt, I really am the best version of myself. I can't wait to live with him in our new apartment in Asheville.

The Lord is kind and merciful.

I love coming home!

2008-07-06T17:34:00.006-04:00

I'm back from my European adventure! Overall, I'm really glad that I went. I had some once in a lifetime experiences. For example, when will I ever again have the opportunity to hike up an active volcano and gaze at the beauty of the Mediterranean Sea from the top? When will I have the opportunity to ride to the top of Mount Pilatus and play among the clouds? Or better yet, when will I have the opportunity to go to the Moulin Rouge to see a cabaret (its not what you think people)?! Some of the things we did on this trip were outrageous and I know that I will never be able to return to these places or do the crazy things that we did!

However, the trip was a little lonely and tiring. I did go with my brother, but his girlfriend came as well and he was the leader of the group trip so he was under some stress. We did hang out a lot and get to spend some good time together, but the trip would have been so much better had I had someone close to share it with. The students on the trip were pretty good (for the most part). We had some excessive drinking and vomiting issues, but other than that they were great. But, they are in high school and I'm not the biggest fan of high schoolers. I did not have the best high school experience and therefore am really awkward around high school students. I never fit in in high school, so I just don't know what to say most of the time.

Sometimes I just want to travel so that I can come home and enjoy what I have. I LOVE seeing the world and learning more about other countries and cultures, but I also belong to a culture and a country and there are things that I appreciate and love and even miss about my own home. Its good to be home.

Some of the things that surprised me from the trip:
*The Eiffel Tower is more amazing than I thought it would be. I don't know what I expected, but to look at it from every angle and to watch it light up at 10pm was unforgettable. Everyone should go there.

*London was one of my favorite cities. There are so many different types of people everywhere you go. In the tube, walking the streets, visiting museums... I was never a minority or a majority, it was always too hard to tell. I was surrounded by different languages, colors, and cultures all in one city! It was amazing. I do believe that I could live in London.

*Athens, Greece is a dirty, unwelcoming city. I saw 2 count them 2 people shooting up (heroine) on the sidewalk in broad daylight. That says something about law enforcement there. We were also stalked and had our lives threatened by a man in Athens. I never felt safe in this city. I was so looking forward to Athens, and I was let down terribly. Although, the Acropolis and especially the Parthenon were breathtaking. I would risk my own safety to see these monuments.

*Florence is my favorite Itilian city (so far). It's small enough to walk in one day yet big enough to feel like a city. If I were to live in Europe Florence would be my 3rd choice (after Lucerne, Switzerland and London). When in Florence one is surrouded by art constantly. It is beautiful.

*Lucerne was my favorite place that we visited. Words can not describe Lucerne. So here are a few pictures (that still can not capture the beauty of this Swiss city)

I am a Catholic Protestant

2008-06-09T17:35:00.004-04:00

I just finished reading an amazing book, a memoir by Lauren F. Winner, called Girl meets GOD. This book has caused me to sort through my spiritual journey and has given me a desire to learn how to tell my own story. Lauren was brought up to be Jewish, her father is Jewish and her mother was Southern Baptist. Girl meets GOD describes her struggle to reconcile the two faiths. When she became an adult, Lauren pursued Orthodox Judaism, but throughout this pursuit she felt a strange draw to Jesus. For some reason (the Holy Spirit) she was drawn to Him and to Christianity. In grad school she gives in and is baptized, she officially becomes a Christian. From then on she weaves the two religions together in such a beautiful way; the holidays, the calenders, the rituals, the ceremonies. All of the things she did when she was Jewish were not left behind. Her body ran on the Jewish calender (a lunar calender), she could not sever herself from the religion, not matter how much she wanted to at times.

Sometimes I feel like Lauren. It is not as drastic, of course, Catholicism and Protestantism are not that different. There are things I miss about Catholicism, things that many Protestants mock about the Catholic church (things that I too have mocked in order to feel more Protestant). I've missed confession, looking into the eyes of a priest and reading off a list of things that I have done when my sin nature has taken over. I've missed praying the Hail Mary as penance. I've missed taking the Eucharist every week, feeling privileged to be fed the Body of Christ.

Winner's description of the Eucharist (she is Episcopalian) has given me a desire to return to the Catholic church to participate in Mass: (Lauren and her friends celebrate the Passover by having a Seder... this quote comes from that celebration) "Amy watches Jeff break the middle matzoh and she begins to cry. 'It's His body breaking,' she says, and everyone at the table knows what she means. We see in the three pieces of matzoh the Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and see that we are taking the middle matzoh, and breaking it, and we see that this is the way Jesus' body will break, on the Cross, and then over and over, every day for the rest of time, in the Eucharist... The body of Israel is constituted at the Exodus, and the Body of Christ is constituted at the Eucharist, through the very consumption of the Body of Christ."

The word Mass comes from the word 'missa' mealing 'you are dismissed.' In the Catholic church you must be baptized to take the Eucharist. In the early church people who had not been baptized were dismissed from the mass during communion. Why? This does not go over well with Christians today, we should all be able to partake in Christ's body and blood, right? Well, early Christians and Catholics today see taking the Eucharist as too intimate for those who had not made the commitment to Christ through baptism to look on or participate. This part of the service is precious, secrete, it is the inner part of the service. They compared it to watching a couple make love. Christ is an intimate Lord and friend. Communion is an example of Jesus coming down from heaven to become a part of me and you, it is Him moving towards us. We simply receive Him with thanksgiving.

My House Isn't Shaking

2008-05-30T11:04:00.003-04:00

It's quiet here in Charlotte. I don't here trucks backing up, new apartments being built, booming car stereos, or trains. In fact I haven't heard the sound of a train since I got here. The far off whistle that grows louder as it approaches the house, which eventually stops sounding as it moves away from busier intersections; getting closer now all you can here is the roaring engine, the house begins to shake, the pictures on the wall shift, and wooosh the train goes by. All we are left with is a murmur and uneven wall hangings.

Why do I miss such an invasive, irritating experience? I guess it isn't the experience of a train passing by right next to my house, it is more the experience of living in Greensboro. That, I feel, is where my life is. But, I am in Charlotte, living a completely different life. In Greensboro I had friends I could call at any moment to hang out with, people I could walk with, rides bikes with, be in close relationship with. I could show up at his/her apartment, unannounced, for a short visit, just because I hadn't in a while. Community. I always had someone who understood me, someone I could share victories or failures with. There was always someone I could look at in the face and confess to or laugh with. I was known.

I scrolled through my contacts in my cell phone last night, hoping to find someone I could call and hang out with here in Charlotte. There were a few folks, but I know most of them through Matt and he isn't here to call them for me. I don't want to go through that awkward beginning-of-a-friendship phase with people here. So instead of risking it I sat and watched "Save the Last Dance" instead (a horribly acted movie, by the way). But, It seems that there is no point in calling anyway. I'm going to Europe in 12 days and I will be gone for a month. When I return I will only be here for another month (which will be an insanely busy month full of fundraising and wedding planning) before I move to Asheville. Why does building community have to be so hard? I spend 4 years doing it in Greensboro! Now my community is 1.5 hours away! What was I thinking? I feel a part of me is missing and it is a part that I won't be able to get back. I'm excited for my life to come, but I'm not ready for my life in Greensboro to be over. This moving on process is painful, it hurts, and I'm sad and I miss my friends.

Provision

2008-05-13T19:40:00.002-04:00

Sorry that I haven't been updating my blog very much lately; I've been feeling very overwhelmed. I am graduating this Thursday from college, then moving back to Charlotte the next weekend, then going to Europe for a month, then coming back to fund raise, and finally getting married in August! Lately it just feels like all of this is coming at me and I can't control any of it! Don't get me wrong its all very exciting, but when it is all happening at once, it can become very overwhelming.

Matt did not get the job in Asheville that we were hoping for. We found out last week and I've just been really discouraged about our financial situation. Yes I've been discouraged and I feel helpless, but Matt has reassured me that God is doing something BIG here! He is calling me to be dependent upon him more than ever. One of my cousins graduated from NC State last week and she has this amazing, well paying job lined up and everyone was so proud of her and congratulating her on the job! I was too, but then everyone remembered that I was graduating too. And inevitably, the question came, "what are you doing after you graduate?" When I tell them, they seem interested and curious. Then they ask, "so does the university pay you?" And I begin to try to explain how and why I support raise. Most of the time people walk away confused and I feel misunderstood, but especially after they had just heard about my cousin's amazing new job. I just began to feel very silly for trying to become a staff worker with InterVarsity. In my heart of hearts I know that God has called me to do this and I get really excited every time I think about being at UNCA with students! But, sometimes I think: If I had just applied for jobs here in Greensboro I would already be going on salary and starting in June. Matt and I wouldn't have to move and he wouldn't have to find a new job somewhere else. These moments of discouragement and questioning inevitably come and sometimes last for quite a while.

I finally finished the book of John and interestingly enough the last chapter really spoke to my situation and they way that I've been feeling. This passage follows the scene where Jesus tells Peter 3 times to feed his lambs and take care of his sheep. Peter and Jesus are hanging out (John 21) and Peter sees the "disciple who Jesus loved" walking behind them and he asks Jesus, "Lord, what about him?"
Lord, what is that disciple going to do? Is he going to feed your lambs too?
I LOVE Jesus' answer, he says, "what is that to you? You must follow me."
What is it to you? Why do you care what HE is going to do? You will follow me and feed my lambs. So often I ask the Lord, "what about her/him?" I must stop comparing myself to others and be thankful for the gifts God has given me and the ways he has called me to use them uniquely for his kingdom.

I have started to fund raise for InterVarsity and it has been really interesting and mind-blowing so far (and I've only just begun!). I had a really encouraging meeting with a woman from church on Sunday. I have been praying that the Lord would open up the hearts of the people that I am seeking out to become part of my support team. When I met with this woman she said that she can't explain why or how, but for some reason I am in her heart and my ministry is in her heart. She then proceeded to pledge to give a substantial amount of money a month to my support. I was blown away. It wasn't what I expected at all!

I am so blessed to be with Matt, his faith and patience have taught me so much. When I freak out about not knowing what is going to happen in the future Matt is so calm and understands that this is not our timing here, that something will come up, that God will provide. His faith and patience are just what I need and what I admire most about him.

Ready or Not Here Comes the Future

2008-04-16T19:33:00.002-04:00

I'm beginning to get sentimental about everything. I only have about a month left of living in Greensboro! Can you believe this? I'm so sad. This has been my home for the past 4 years and now I'm just going to leave? I pray that I've left some sort of a mark, I know that Greensboro has a left a mark on me. Thursday I am leading worship at InterVarsity for the last time, I'm pretty sure I will cry. I feel like I've grown up in Greensboro, I've learned more about who I am, who I want to become, why I am a Christian, why I love Matt Nunn, how to love the poor and follow Jesus in a materialistic world, and so much more.
I just feel like making a list of things, people, and memories that I will miss tremendously and with all my heart. I don't think I can put all of these things together into one cohesive blog post unless it is in list form.

Dear Greensboro, thanks for all of the fun times... I will miss
-being woken up by the train
-sitting on the roof of Apt. B
-the salad bowl
-playing in the field with Emily and Seth
-making up ridiculous songs with Emily
-the mixing and meshing of people on tate st.
-el carreton
-the i-house (of two years ago)
-knitting parties with wonderful women!
-WUAG radio shows and awesome co-hosts
-the tree of truth
-late night bike rides
-late night trips to Jan's House
-watching Gilmore girls while knitting (with Emily and Amanda)
-snow days
-Spring Garden Community Church and all of my friends there
-The Green Bean
-dance parties
-McCoul's Public House
-trivia and the Burro
-sitting behind the EUC and talking with Karen
-my Lime Green
-ughh "You Play This Song!"
-walking to and from downtown
-Sparty T. Spartan
-International Semi-Formals
-Gilmore Girls night in my room (freshman and somph. year)
-Trinity Ave.

There is much more, but I will not make this list any longer.

I asked for a miracle...

2008-04-09T18:07:00.004-04:00

This past weekend I had my first official InterVarsity staff training, we were trained in the ways of fundraising. From the moment I decided to apply for staff I knew that staff were required to raise their salary and benefits and I knew that this would be hard and scary for me to do. The amount of money I have to raise is large and the amount of time I have to do so is very small. As I was driving home from the training weekend I laughed, all I could really do about the situation was laugh. God's ambition in this is really funny to me right now because my finite brain can not comprehend raising $39,000 in 5 months! As Laura Fissel so graciously reminded me, "you asked God to give you a life that allowed him to work miracles!" And she is right, I did ask God to make me brave enough to make room for miracles in my life.

I do not understand how this is going to happen. God is going to have to do some serious miracle working, and right now to me this just looks like I am going to be going with the flow of the crazy, insane things that God is going to do and the ways He is going to pursue me through this process.

I was encouraged by this intervaristy article: http://www.intervarsity.org/news/immeasurable-worth and this scripture:

Acts 2:42-47
They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I am a very independent person and I think the Lord wants to break me from that. He is calling me to live a life of dependence. To depend on him and my brothers and sisters to encourage me in my call to ministry by supporting me financially. I think that this is going to be really scary, but this is the only way to bear fruit, by remaining in Him, by dependence.

The Process of Dehumanization

2008-04-02T18:19:00.002-04:00

This semester, because I have finished all of my major requirements I have been able to take some "fun" classes. One of these classes is Judaism and it has been an interesting journey. My teacher is a Jewish mystic and was raised in an Orthodox Jewish environment, needless to say she knows a lot of about the religion and culture of Judaism. This past week we have been discussing and have watched a documentary on, the Holocaust. I have learned a lot about the Holocaust in my life, but never with non-Catholic people in my midst (since I went to Catholic school). In middle school I had a phase where obsessively I read books about the Holocaust; for some reason I was very interested in it. Some of the books I read were autobiographies and some were fiction based on non-fiction. I became so attached to some of these characters that I could not sit through Schindler's List for fear of seeing them in the horrific movie (I still haven't seen the movie).

Today in this class we had a discussion of the film "The Last Days", a documentary by Steven Spielberg about the last days of WWII. The last days of the war showed the intention of the Nazis in WWII, it was not to win the war but to kill the Jews. Knowing that the war was coming to and end, the Nazis did everything they could to wipe out as many Jews as possible in what little time was left. The focus of our discussion was the way the Nazis took away every ounce of human that the Jews had left. They shaved their heads, separated them from everything they knew and loved (including family and friends), took away all of their personal belongings, gave them numbers instead of names, etc. etc. etc. And as we talked about the process of dehumanization that took place during the Holocaust I began to think about the state of our society and our world.

Do we not dehumanize one another daily? The Holocaust is dehumanization on the biggest scale imaginable! But in our small, quiet lives do we recognize the human in one another? Do you acknowledge each other as beings made in the image of God?

In my experience the answer is, no we do not do this well enough. I myself am guilty of this as well.
For example, I work at the TLC (the movie library on UNCG's campus). People come in and rent movies from the TLC for free, it's a really easy job. I try to look into the eyes of the patrons, I try to recognize their souls. And of course I will not be able to have a deep connection with each person that enters the room, but I try (most of the time... as long as I'm not distracted by blogging.. hehe) to greet them, look them in the eye, and smile or tell them to have a nice evening. It drives me crazy when people treat me as a part of their transaction-- they don't even look at me. They give me what I need in order to get what they need. It's mindless and numbing. Matt related to me on this issue because he experiences this same thing working at Caribou. People look up at the sign, read off their order, and wait (impatiently) to be given what they have paid for. No thank you, no smile, no head nod... no sign of life! Maybe I'm being dramatic, but can you understand what I'm saying? How hard is it to treat one another as humans worthy of small interactions such as a smile or a "hello"? I don't know where these people are coming from, maybe they've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Maybe not, maybe they are just going through their routine with their blinders on. Maybe my smile and small talk could lift their spirits and show them that they are worthy of acknowledgement.

I get discouraged by the process of dehumanization on the macro and micro levels. To see people moving so quickly through life, too quickly to nod or smile at one another. It makes me long for a new heaven and a new earth. It makes me long for Jesus' return. I can't wait for him to restore and redeem our broken world. I can't wait for it to be a place where we are no longer scared to interact with one another, when we are no longer afraid to step into each other's lives. I long for that day.

Likewise, go and do!

2008-03-19T18:02:00.003-04:00

I've read a lot of books about social justice, I've learned a lot about the relationship between Christianity in America and social justice (or lack there of) in America. I've received statistics and heard inspiring sermons and empowering teachings on the subject. I've gone on trips and have helped out in my own city here in Greensboro. But, you know what..I'm ready for something else. I'm tired of just hearing about it, I'm tired of reading about other people's experiences! I'm read to go and do!

Matt and I have already decided that we would like to live (by live I mean let our life and family grow) in a low-income neighborhood. We both have a passion to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to BE the word made flesh, to live with the poor and marginalized. We want to move away from the materialistic, money hoarding tendencies of Americans and move towards simplicity and good stewardship. I have a big summer coming up, I am graduating from college (woot!), I am going to Europe for a month (woot!), I am getting married to the love of my life (woot!), I am moving to Asheville (woot!) and I am going on staff with intervarsity (woot!). That is a lot of woot! That is also a LOT of transition (especially the going into ministry thing and the becoming a wife thing). With all of these exciting events approaching and all of this transition I've been praying about where and when I will finally be able to LIVE in a low-income neighborhood.

After praying about the move to Asheville, we have decided not to move into a low-income neighborhood for theyear. I am disappointed and saddened by this decision because I feel so ready to ACT, but I want to be obedient to the Spirit.
The reasons we are not going to live among the poor and marginalized next year is because 1- we will only be in Asheville for one year, our desire is more for long term urban ministry rather than a quick dip and 2-We want to buy a house in a low-income neighborhood, not rent. We want to be smart about this move (we don't want to get taken by some money-hungry landlord... and Matt would more worried about safety in an apartment complex rather than our own house). I have not lost hope in the fact that we can act on our desires to be in urban ministry. I do believe that we can still work to bring Shalom to the city of Asheville through organizations and community service work and we will. But, my heart is really wanting to live there. And as I go back and read this post, I need to realize that I have a lot of things that I want to do in my life, and my life isn't ending today. Unless Jesus comes back today or tomorrow (I often pray that He will) or I die within the next year (eep!), I hopefully have a long life ahead of me. A life that I have already entrusted to Jesus. I trust that he WILL grant me the desires of my heart:the desire to know the poor, to become poor for Him. Because Lord knows that that desire did not grow out of my own selfish heart, there is no way that it could have. It grew out of the presence of the Holy Spirit within me.

I am reading "The New Friars" and "The Irresistible Revolution" right now. Both of these books are about becoming the hands and feet of Jesus among the poor. The New Friars is a little more extreme than The Irresistible Revolution because it is about the movement of young Christians moving into some of the worst slums in the WORLD! It's an amazing book, but it is pulling at my heart to become Christ incarnate! The Irresistible Revolution is more of a story-telling book about waking up the Christianity of the U.S.-- it's a call to social action. So this is partly why I am all vamped up about acting. I also believe that the Lord has given me this desire, he does not give it to everyone nor does he call everyone to do this. I am thankful that he has called both Matt and myself to open our eyes and lives to the poor and marginalized. Going into this crazy summer ahead of me, in each place that I go I want to remember Jesus' advice on how to love my neighbor as myself from Luke 10:30-37... so I leave you with the story that he told to an expert of the law.
"And who is my neighbor?"
In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coinsand gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

Being Sexy and Being Spirit Filled

2008-03-12T18:57:00.004-04:00

-sorry if there are typos or spelling mistakes, my spell check is not working-

Lately, I've been learning about becoming a wife and entering into marriage. Let me first say that I am both excited and scared to enter into a sacred union with Matt, I am terrified of entering into a convenant with him. I know that I will screw up and that I won't love him well sometimes and I know that I will fail at being a godly wife sometimes. When I have these thoughts and feelings on the matter I refuse to run away scared, instead I press on, ask for forgiveness and receive the mercy and grace that I do not deserve. Through marriage the gospel is being revealed. The redemptive quality of Jesus Christ is being revealed.

Matt and I have been listening to a sermon series by Tim Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian in NYC on Marriage. The scriptural basis for the series is Ephesians 5:21-33. Verses 1-20 give advice on how to be imitators of Christ and becomingaSpirit-filled Christian. Tim Keller does not separate being Spirit filled from being married, Paul's advice to the Ephesians who are married assumes that those who are married believe in Jesus are are Spirit-filled. Verse 21-33 are as follows:

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I had never thought of marriage in the way that Paul describes it here. What an honor for a relationship between husband and wife to be compared to the relationship between Christ and the church! I want to live up to that description in my marriage! In his series Tim Keller asks his listeners to think about how we care for our bodies. We close the bathrooom door when taking care of our body, we are very gentle with our own body, we know how and when to be sensative and when to be rough. He even goes as far as saying "we wipe ourselves after we desecrate." His point in making these risky comments is the point that Paul is trying to make in fewer words-- taking care of your own body is very private, intimate and personal. Can you imagine someone else trying to cut your toenails? Marriage is the most intimate relationship one can enter into, so intimate that my spouse will learn and eventually know how to take care of my body because he will know it and love it like it is his own. Christ, in the same way, feeds and cares for his church. He is intimately involved, he knows when to be gentle and when to be rough. It's sexy, is it not?

I have to admit that it is very hard for me to think of being sexy for Matt. It is hard to consider being sensual. Matt and I are receiving premarital counseling from a pastor and his wife here in Charlotte. We had an amazing session with them Monday night and Susan (the pastor's wife) gave me a book to read. It is titled "Intimate Issues," cheesy I know. It is a teaching tool for Christian women (mainly wives) about sex.

A couple of things that are really hard for me to wrap my mind around that are discussed at length in this book are 1- the idea that having sex with your husband is worship,2"It is important to be filled with the Spirit, in bed with your husband, ministering to him, as it is for you to be filled with the Spirit when you are teaching the Bible or ministering." And finally 3- sexual intercourse with your husband reflects becoming one with Jesus.

In my head these 3 points really make sense, but I have this feeling that it's icky. I know I'm immature, but does it not seem blasphemous to compare a union with Jesus Christ to earthly sex? On some level it does to me, no matter how much sense it make in my head and even in my spirit. It seems that my flesh is telling me to believe that this is dirty! It seems to be my flesh that wants to deny my marriage of this spiritual oneness and satisfaction! The world has 1 million and one negative messages it sends about female sexuality every minuet! And I fall for it 9 times out of ten. No more world! I now choose to believe Jesus on this matter, after all he did create sex and sexuality, sin and the world have perverted it. We all strive to know God, whetherwe know it or not.

Interestingly enough the Hebrew word for "sexual intercourse" is defined as"to know."

"Come and See"

2008-03-03T19:01:00.002-05:00

In my last post I expressed my anxiety concerning the job interview I had. I am ecstatic to report that I was offered a position with InterVarsity! I am going to intern under Doug at UNCAsheville! Matt and I are so excited to live and work in Asheville. It seems like the perfect place to jump start our marriage! When I got the phone call, informing me of the good news, I breathed a breath full of thanks and relief. Thank you to all of my friends and family who supported me through my anxiety, who prayed for me during my interview, and who have loved me with the love of Christ!

I've started to study the Gospel of John (it's such as sweet book), I had been studying Acts and had been doing a Kingdom of God study for so long that I decided to switch it up a bit. I love reading the actual words of Jesus, it's so freeing, thought provoking, and sometimes even a little confusing.

In John 1:29-51 many variations of the word "see" are used. When John the Baptist sees Jesus he says "Look the Lamb of God" (John 1:36). When two of John's disciples ask Jesus where he is staying he replies "Come and you will see" (John 1:39). After Philip is eager to tell his brother Nathanael that the Messiah has come Nathanael responds negatively saying, "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" and Philip responds "Come and See" (John 1:43-45). When Jesus sees Nathanael and recognizes him, only then does Nathanael believe that Jesus is the Christ. Jesus responds, "You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You shall see greater things than that." He then added, "I tell you the truth, you shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man" (John 1:50-51).

While I was reading this I felt the Lord inviting me, "Come and see. Come and see what I will do with your life if you give it to me. Come and see what I am going to do. Come to me and see the grace and mercy that I will pour out on you." While I was waiting to hear back from InterVaristy I told the Lord that if I did not get this job that I would continue to serve him. I would be disappointed and sad if I did not get it, but I would trust that it meant that he was going to do something else with me. That he has something for me to do, that he has purpose for my life. Maybe seeing is believing.
I get excited to follow Jesus, I get excited to see what he is going to do. I feel like Philip, Andrew, and Simon Peter when I just follow him and trust him when he tells me "come and see."

Anxiety

2008-02-26T17:37:00.004-05:00

I had my interview for InterVarsity last night. It was rough. The prayer that I prayed before (and that many of my friends were praying for me) was that I would be real with the interviewers, that I would be myself. Right before I walked in the door for the interview I prayed that God would fill me with the Holy Spirit and that whatever words came out of my mouth were ordained by him. God really answered my prayer and the prayer of my friends and family. That is why the interview was rough. I was myself and I am a mess, but I believe that the Holy Spirit was with me, guiding my words.

The post-interview anxiety has been very stressful. I can not stop my thoughts from roaming back to the interview, replaying it word for word, rethinking every answer I gave. Since the interview I have thought of some really amazing answers to their questions, perfectly polished answers. Hopefully they saw that I was being real, hopefully they got a sense of my desire to be on staff.

I've been thinking about my college career, reminiscing if you will. After looking over my IV application I've realized that I have done what I love through out college. You know the saying "do what you love." Well if I have done what I love; then I love college ministry, I love trying to figure out who God is with others, I love learning about how to serve the poor and marginalized, I love disciplining students, and I love InterVarsity. I prayed a really scary prayer this morning; I said for the first time, "Lord, I want to be a staff worker for InterVarsity." That's it.

To remind myself of sanity, that the Lord has a plan for my life, I'm going to end this post with a verse that my roommate so lovingly wrote down in a card for me as I left for my interview yesterday.

Psalm 139:1-5
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Rhythm and Routine

2008-02-20T18:58:00.002-05:00

[I just wrote an entire post and it was deleted! grrr computers and technology.]

"Whatever it is in your week that gives you life, do it more and more"- fellow blogger Joshua Longbrake

There are many things one hides from the world, from their peers or superiors. [secrets. sins. dreams. desires.] These are all things which cause us to tremble. We ask ourselves, "what if it's true, what if I am a sinner." Or "what if this is my passion?" Or "if anyone knew..." So we lock things inside. Sometimes the things we keep inside of ourselves are mundane, or would simply be frowned upon by our society.

I hide. I hide my love of routine. I want people to think that I am spontaneous! I want people to believe that I live on the edge! These qualities are valued in our western society and in our generation.
But, I am tired of hiding who I am... I confess... I love routine! I have a tendancy to be a homebody; don't get me wrong I also love to go out to eat or get to a drink, I love travelling as well. But, at the end of the day I am a homebody at heart. Popping popcorn, eating ice cream, putting on my PJs, and watching a good movie with Matt is a night well spent in my eyes! Sometimes I am made to feel that this is boring or a waste of time, but it is life giving to me.

I am in love with the morning routine that I have fallen into this semester. This rhythm of life has been truely life giving and refresing. Here is what my weekday mornings look like:
*rise_ my alarm goes off at 9am (except on Wednesdays)
*clean_ take a shower, get dress, hair and make-up (except Tuesdays and Thursdays because I jog on those days)
*eat_ make breakfast and a steaming cup of coffee (mmmm i love coffee)
*clear your head_ eat my bagel while I get my to-do's of the day in order
*breath_ drink coffee while praying, reading the Bible, and journaling (this is the most life-giving part of my day. I have grown to love this part of the day, nothing brings me more joy than the rest and hope I experience by beginning my day this way. I used to feel so obligated and frustrated by "having to" read my Bible and pray... I don't know when this change of attutide occured, but I am very thankful for it.)
*prepare_ pack my bookbag, make sure I have all of my materials for classes
*sent_ head off to school

No more hiding who I am, I desire to just be who God created to be. I am a routine loving, homebody, rhythmic creature.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Praying for a New Years Resolution

2008-02-13T19:05:00.003-05:00

One of my new years resolutions for 2008 is to improve my prayer life. When I decided upon this resolution I did not know how to succeed at improving my prayer life; there are no real steps to take, God did not lay out a 10 step plan for me. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a book out there called "10-steps to a better prayer life." [side note: I googled this title and there is a book and a website out there with this subtitle] To be honest, after reading over the list I have tried many of the steps; for example 'create a prayer space, a room or a corner dedicated only to prayer.' While this may be helpful for some, it can not be applied to the masses. When I moved into the apartment I am in now, I tried to create a prayer corner so that I could get my prayer life back on track. This, my friends, did not work. Buying floor pillows and candles can not lead me to enter into converstaion with God, I wish it was that easy.

Jesus, however, does give us a useful guide on how to pray, he teaches us in Matthew 6: 5-15 when he gives us (what we now call) 'The Lord's Prayer.' Jesus says, "You Father knows what you need before you ask Him." That is comforting, I can rest in that.

I have always struggled with how to pray and when to pray and I've even questioned why I should pray. When making my new years resolution I asked the Lord to grant me success in this resolution in a way that is successful to Him (in other words, not on my terms).
It is now two months into the year and I thought it a good idea to evaluate my progression towards my resolutions. The Lord has heard my prayer and he has started to teach me the discipline of prayer again. It does not have to be as formal as I envision, it is a conversation between God and myself; he knows my heart and my prayers so I can be free to pray while I'm walking to school, driving to Charlotte, walking my dog, talking with a friend, or down on my knees. He does not require much, just that I bring myself to him- there is power in that and there is freedom in that; for when I am weak, He is strong.

"And Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees"-- William Cowper

India

2008-02-04T19:53:00.000-05:00

I love India. I don't know why, I don't know how it started, but I love India. It seems a very unlikely place to fall in love with considering I've never been there, nor does it sound appealing in so many ways. I was reading about India (as I often do when I'm at work) and I found a blog written by a student who went to Calcutta on an InterVarsity UrbanTrek.

"There's so much to take in; the wet heat, the very distinct smells. The moderately wide sidewalks outside the guest house looks newly laid, but garbage and liquid sludge surrounds the base of every tree and hugs most corners. People are tucked everywhere; some sitting on the sidewalk in a circle playing cards, some sleeping, or begging, and lots of people cooking and selling food under a tarp or canvas. We were staring at everything, and it felt like everything was staring back at us."

Why have I fallen in love with such a mess? Garbage, sludge, poverty.

There is another side of India that does not seem comprable to this smelly, unsanitary description, yet the two go hand in hand when one desires to experience India.

The culture of India is one of the oldest and most unique. India has a variety of climates and geography and is home to 4 major world religions (Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism). The prayers, the colors, the rituals, and enthusiasm of the people of India is what calls my heart to be there. Honestly, I try to find reasons why I love India so much, I try to learn about it, the people, the religion, and the culture of India, but even then I don't know why. I just know that I do.

There is an amazing movie about children of India who live in the red light district, the movie is called "Born into Brothels" ( http://kids-with-cameras.org/bornintobrothels/). This movie was part of my being exposed to the amazing-ness of India.

Approaching Self-Righteousness with Gentleness

2008-01-22T18:53:00.001-05:00

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30

Jesus is trying to teach me how to be gentle and graceful to those who treat me poorly. "Choose your battles" as the saying goes. Every time a brother or sister in Christ treats me in a way that is disgraceful to Jesus, I get real discouraged, especially when s/he uses Christianity as the reason behind his/her malicious treatment. I would feel much better if someone was to explain their actual feelings or thoughts on a situation rather than make it into some spiritual extravaganza. That really, really, really bugs me. I am more interested in the matter of the heart, I want to know what is going on in someones heart, not what they are telling me is going on in their heart. This, I know, is impossible.
I build up how I will respond to these situations, I think of all the mean and hurtful things that I could say to someone to make sure they know that they really hurt me. But, then I pray and seek the Lord through Scripture. I turn to Jesus and ask him how he would have me respond. I came to this passage in Matthew where Jesus calls me to be a disciple of gentleness and humility. Jesus then reminds me of the grace that he has had on me, especially those times where I have lived out of my own self-righteousness.
1 Peter 3:8-9
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

I am called to bless, even in confrontation when it is hardest to bless.

Israel: "Struggles with God"

2008-01-17T17:31:00.000-05:00

The literal meaning of the word/nation Israel is interesting to me. Israel, God's chosen people. Israel, the people to whom God's covenant was given. Their name and title literally means "struggles with God." How fascinating! What does this mean then for us, for me? Should this encourage us to be open or honest about our struggles, to own them and really be with God in the midst of them? God gave the name Israel to Jacob after Jacob wrestled all night long with a divine being, sometimes seen as God. The namesake of an entire nation and religion is born out of this beautiful moment where God meets Jacob (and in turn his people) in the midst of his struggle.

I've been wrestling with God lately about my own personal struggles. I've been trying to meet him in the midst of this struggle. It has always been really hard for me to pray honestly, to really get to the heart of what I mean. I believe this comes from my Catholic roots, where prayer is a reverent act, a very formal interaction with a distant God. I've heard it time and time again, "God can handle whatever it is that you are going through." I've heard it and I believe it and I'm trying to do it. I've been praying honestly about my struggles, that God would meet me in those struggles, that in every moment I would be able to depend on him. That every breath would come from the strength I receive from the Solid Rock upon which I stand.

God and I have been wrestling about confidence. Somedays he wins and sends the Holy Spirit to convince me of my identity and somedays my heart is hard and I can't hear it. My relationships with friends, fiance, family, and others is always affected by my understanding of my identity and I'm beginning to realize this. If I don't believe that I am the daughter of the Living God and I don't live in that, I tend to shoot others down in an attempt to lift myself up to a place where I feel worthy of attention. So God and I are wrestling and I plan to continue to do so, to live in my namesake: Israel. Israel: struggle with God and allow him to teach me, mold me, and work through me.

Fear of the Call

2008-01-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

I've officially finished my Staff Member Application and I've sent it in!
When I first received it, back in the beginning of November, David Mallard told me that it would be a blessing just to fill out. He said that if I got the job or not, the application process was reward enough. I half-heartedly believed him, you see David and I are very different people. He is uber positive about things and can see God's hand and blessing in everything! I on the other hand, have to push myself to recognize God's blessings in my life.

But, let me just say for the record, David Mallard was right. I didn't realize it while I was working on the application because I was trying to reach a goal, I was trying to finish it. The realization of the blessing didn't come until I was done. I was proofreading the entire application (all 20 pages!) and praying over it. As I read I noticed a trend, a little something that God has been trying to show me, a little thing we like to call a calling.

The application included many questions about my interests, how I've participated in InterVarsity, how I've shown my concern for social justice, and other such questions. While proofreading I notice how much the Lord has taught me about his heart for the poor, the marginalized, the forgotten, and the unloved; with a specific focus on urban ministry. Upon noticing this trend, I realized what God was calling me to do; it's like He has been jumping up and down in front of my face trying to tell me, but I've been too busy or too scared to notice.

I've been disobedient to his call and I've blocked out his still, soft voice in this area.
As scary as it is for me to say, I really believe that God has called me to do something about it, He has called me to put all of this knowledge he has given me about social justice and his heart for the poor into use. How, you might ask (as I did)? Well, I work in baby steps:
My first step is praying that the Lord would change my heart, that he would teach me how to trust him, to trust his providence and his call on my life.
My second step is talking about it with Matt and with other friends who will hold me accountable
My third step is putting it into action: to intentionally move into a low income/multi-cultural neighborhood.

I am partly blessed by this call and partly terrified by it. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer, that I am not gifted in the area of mercy, that I don't know what to say when someone tells me about the sorrow and pain they have lived through. At times I am jealous of people like Matt who evangelize and care for people with ease and confidence. But, the Lord has given me good gifts that he will use and I am learning to trust him, to trust that He is God and He knows what He is doing.

I would appreciate prayer and encouragment in this area, friends!

Apply and Demand

2007-12-21T11:13:00.000-05:00

In working on my application for InterVarsity staff, I have consulted my old journals. Many of the questions on the application deal with the development of my spiritual journey, in order to remember this accurately I have consulted my journals from late 2003 (when I became a Christian) to the present. In doing so I became encouraged by my own zealousness as a baby Christian in 2003. I was so diligent in prayer, continuously seeking the heart of the Lord. I used to write out entire Psalms in my journal (upon this discovery, I began doing it again), not the short ones either! But, I was also discouraged when I noticed a trend in my prayer life. I noticed that the same prayer that I pray daily was prayed in 2003, to me this meant that there has been no progress in this area, no development, no maturing has occurred! This morning I prayed, "Lord, today help me to live for you and not for the opinions of others. Why do I care so much about what others think?" This prayer has been a continuous prayer in my life since 2003.

The real question here is, should this discourage me? Is this really a sign of immaturity or God's unfaithfulness? In talking with the wise and wonderful woman known as Laura Fissel, I discouvered that the answer is no. [Side note: I love hanging out with Laura because I always walk away encouraged, or really thinking about who God is.] She said she thinks about this a lot as well and then told me about a sermon she heard Greg preach a long time ago. The sermon focused on Jesus' teaching in John 15. In this passage Jesus is teaching his disciples about dependence, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches."

We are a part of Jesus' vine, we are intimately connected to him, he is our lifeline, he connects us to the soil. When I pray for freedom from my biggest struggle, often times I am praying for complete independence from God, I am demanding freedom from this struggle. I am praying that God would bring me to such a place of maturity that I would no longer need him to teach me how to live without caring about what others think, but to live for him. That struggle in my life is something that draws me to the Lord daily, it brings me to my knees and causes me to depend upon his redemption in this area.
Coming to this realization over the past couple of days has really brought me a freedom from this struggle. The pressure to "grow out of" this struggle is off, I no longer need to strive for this. What I need to strive for is connection to the vine, to remain a branch, to remain in Him.

A Continued Journey

2007-12-03T09:35:00.001-05:00

As of November 29th at 12:15am Matt and I are engaged! I can't believe that this is finally happening. We've waited for so long and we are finally on a road leading to marriage. I really think the Lord has rewarded our patience already. We have been so blessed these four and a half years. We've learned how to love each other by pointing to Christ. In short, I'm glad we waited. It really feels right this time. The Lord wants what is best for Matt and myself; when we wanted to get married 4 years ago and it didn't happen we thought that we were being punished, that God didn't want us to be together. But, he did and he does, he just wanted to teach us through his loving discipline. I am so thankful for his discipline and I know there is more discipline in my future.

Proverbs 3:11-14

Do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son/daughter he delights in. Blessed is the woman who finds wisdom, the woman who gains understanding,for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.